tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2580470155485256522024-02-06T18:40:51.932-08:00Living in LimboOur Journey to ParenthoodUnknownnoreply@blogger.comBlogger31125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-258047015548525652.post-72047079644691974562010-05-01T06:04:00.000-07:002010-05-01T06:30:28.311-07:00A BirthdayI turned 27 on April 15<span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_0">th</span>. It's still very young, I know. In February and March however, I was already trying to prepare myself for this day. More than Thanksgiving and Christmas, my birthday is a marker for the time we have been waiting to become parents. This is the 3rd birthday that I have celebrated (or just tried to get through) while on our journey to parenthood. I never dreamed that I would turn 27 and not be a mom. It probably sounds so weird to some, but I started my career at 19, got engaged at 21, married at 22, and always thought I would be a mom for the first time by 24... Now there's a real possibility that I might celebrate yet another birthday before becoming a mom for the first time. More than anything, I think that it just the realization (yet again) that sometimes the life you had planned for yourself takes a different course.<br /><br />Despite the dread and many tears shed in February and March, my April, including the birthday, have been great. A new job that I love has definitely helped. This truly is my dream job and a perfect job for a working mother. Some realizations that I have had this month : had I gotten pregnant right away at 24, I would have likely never even considered taking this job; this <span class="blsp-spelling-corrected" id="SPELLING_ERROR_1">incredible</span> journey has helped me re-find my faith; I look at the children in our lives in a completely new way, knowing just how much of a miracle they really are; and so many of our friends and family members have been exposed to the beauty and joy of adoption through our journey. I hope this joy and feeling of hopefulness can carry me through a few more months and maybe even through the number 28!<br /><br />In February, the Parrish family welcomed their second child - Gabriela. We have loved following them on their journey to, and in, Colombia. Their <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_2">CaringBridge</span> site is:<br /><a href="http://www.caringbridge.org/visit/parrishadoption">http://www.caringbridge.org/visit/parrishadoption</a><br />This week, to the surprise of many, there was another referral! The <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_3">Galarneault</span> family received news that they are parents to a 2<span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_4">nd</span> boy! We can't wait to share their journey with them as they meet and welcome Baby Samuel. Their <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_5">CaringBridge</span> site is:<br /><a href="http://www.caringbridge.org/visit/galarneault">http://www.caringbridge.org/visit/galarneault</a><br /><br />While the outlook for international adoption is still pretty grim in terms of waiting time, we are so happy that a least 2 <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_6">FANA</span> families have/will be welcoming babies into their lives. It's so hard to imagine right now, but one day, that will be us.Unknownnoreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-258047015548525652.post-22294123743664276712010-03-14T15:31:00.000-07:002010-03-14T16:18:11.172-07:00Reflections on MarriageI don't pretend to be an expert on marriage. This past week Brandon and I celebrated our 4<span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_0">th</span> anniversary and gasp(!) our 7<span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_1">th</span> year together. It's the longest relationship - by far - that either of us has been a part of and we continue to learn what does, and doesn't, make it work for us.<br /><br />During the first couple of years of our marriage, I looked on at other couples that were saying their vows with bittersweet feelings for them. It's no secret to Brandon that in the beginning, I struggled with the responsibilities and emotions of marriage. Even though we lived together prior to our marriage, marriage changed our relationship. I realized that the things we had once bickered about needed to get resolved once we were married because we were now bound to each other for life. I struggled with trying to be a super-wife - keeping a perfect house, cooking, baking, always <span class="blsp-spelling-corrected" id="SPELLING_ERROR_2">entertaining</span> and going out - all while starting my career. I'm not going to lie - those first couple of years were very hard. Hence, the bittersweet feelings in watching couples say "I do!"<br /><br />However, my perspective has changed drastically in these past two years of marriage. Brandon and I have been through some really tough challenges in our 4 years of marriage. Challenges that I never dreamed we would face when I put on that white dress and walked down the aisle. Challenges that have made us stronger and better people. Challenges that have helped us to understand one another more. Challenges that have made us love and appreciate one another in a way we could never have imagined. In these 4 years, Brandon has helped and loved me through my 20s, years full of changes. He has given me room to blossom into the person I am today - a person that I like to be. He had loved me through <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_3">Clomid</span> rages, through <span class="blsp-spelling-corrected" id="SPELLING_ERROR_4">hysterics</span> when pregnancy test after pregnancy test revealed one line instead of two, through countless make-myself-feel-better shopping sprees, through fad diets and vegetarianism, through nights (and mornings after) of a few too many vodka red bulls, a house renovation (no small feat for those who have lived - and stayed married - through one) and a long, long, long wait for our baby.<br /><br />So although not an expert by any means, here are my reflections on marriage thus far:<br />There will be hard times. They are not the same for any couple, but as a couple you will go through hardships that seem insurmountable at times. Be honest with one another about what you need to get through those hard times (space to breath, time to cry or just to be held). Find ways to quietly love each other through the hardships and you will likely be amazed at the couple you become on the other side. Yes, marriage takes work and can be hard, however, the person you fall asleep with each night will also be there each morning, ready to face the day with you and love you through that day - no matter what it holds.Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-258047015548525652.post-88285573346842410522010-01-03T17:26:00.000-08:002010-01-03T18:30:35.333-08:00A New Year, a New Beginning<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhKpnVd2LCdXxOnTTxO_TA4xrdcLI7bFJsCFSyihvKHax8mJ-Hv2NHpl69Uu3_ZZ8FyIHfoj-gtGH8mFpIDblTX1nUM5TQkL0FglVQrMw_csPbcagdsMYEJCUY4GxAlfScy7aNyxc8nHyo/s1600-h/Trip6.jpg"><img id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5422706282882090002" style="DISPLAY: block; MARGIN: 0px auto 10px; WIDTH: 200px; CURSOR: hand; HEIGHT: 150px; TEXT-ALIGN: center" alt="" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhKpnVd2LCdXxOnTTxO_TA4xrdcLI7bFJsCFSyihvKHax8mJ-Hv2NHpl69Uu3_ZZ8FyIHfoj-gtGH8mFpIDblTX1nUM5TQkL0FglVQrMw_csPbcagdsMYEJCUY4GxAlfScy7aNyxc8nHyo/s200/Trip6.jpg" border="0" /></a><br /><div><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjstive2roN8vdePB0wJ8Z6NG9nCJqb8Lx0-lkQTM6zGF1Bu6LHu-2vNdu8Pk4cMqn7HCkCdYvpj2rrZ-pgL7mlO4RT9UPDmdouMrxaLlVrTWOX94e2FgOyoP3KiDOHnApSw3yZ6d2TSTg/s1600-h/Trip5.jpg"><img id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5422706226931933234" style="DISPLAY: block; MARGIN: 0px auto 10px; WIDTH: 200px; CURSOR: hand; HEIGHT: 150px; TEXT-ALIGN: center" alt="" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjstive2roN8vdePB0wJ8Z6NG9nCJqb8Lx0-lkQTM6zGF1Bu6LHu-2vNdu8Pk4cMqn7HCkCdYvpj2rrZ-pgL7mlO4RT9UPDmdouMrxaLlVrTWOX94e2FgOyoP3KiDOHnApSw3yZ6d2TSTg/s200/Trip5.jpg" border="0" /></a><br /><br /><div><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEg1HtO8YrdlTItE8kK9DI33M3QB3vlhzQdpN6I5dG0M1oKcIdqNzys5XDs-534N67LujGmB2C4hAAKaCkBnxNAmtL0Q6kY0KM7b7g4wCJzs1u1E-7Ms7octx2zn4egmmb4xwWDXNfd0Ulw/s1600-h/Trip3.jpg"><img id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5422706147815846322" style="DISPLAY: block; MARGIN: 0px auto 10px; WIDTH: 150px; CURSOR: hand; HEIGHT: 200px; TEXT-ALIGN: center" alt="" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEg1HtO8YrdlTItE8kK9DI33M3QB3vlhzQdpN6I5dG0M1oKcIdqNzys5XDs-534N67LujGmB2C4hAAKaCkBnxNAmtL0Q6kY0KM7b7g4wCJzs1u1E-7Ms7octx2zn4egmmb4xwWDXNfd0Ulw/s200/Trip3.jpg" border="0" /></a><br /><br /><br /><div><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhwYxYG5Wv1gcpvW4B6RW0XO416vppLIM4eUgdZnpybp6v6avFRw_3B0zGQm5OfAtkG8O4owgfD_gh9lH0oDJvT0_czdOZLWVMgntUORBVfRE8k4YKS2ezD-7pa6XU-fWSMQLnr44_O1YY/s1600-h/Trip2.jpg"><img id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5422706079806963890" style="DISPLAY: block; MARGIN: 0px auto 10px; WIDTH: 200px; CURSOR: hand; HEIGHT: 150px; TEXT-ALIGN: center" alt="" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhwYxYG5Wv1gcpvW4B6RW0XO416vppLIM4eUgdZnpybp6v6avFRw_3B0zGQm5OfAtkG8O4owgfD_gh9lH0oDJvT0_czdOZLWVMgntUORBVfRE8k4YKS2ezD-7pa6XU-fWSMQLnr44_O1YY/s200/Trip2.jpg" border="0" /></a><br /><br /><br /><br /><div><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEh3l9aUFKT7hh3sU94ekG-5xtpwG9EARqioJu5hDmUhTyl81rJXdAtbQZlk0OtnteVa_bK0hdYBgawuC8RVY_iq7mk4jyiqg_-s1HnUV-6iJBuMHq8ffmUHvJH9YuvdSL1nBuuwj7hbXcI/s1600-h/Trip1.jpg"><img id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5422706004325903010" style="DISPLAY: block; MARGIN: 0px auto 10px; WIDTH: 200px; CURSOR: hand; HEIGHT: 150px; TEXT-ALIGN: center" alt="" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEh3l9aUFKT7hh3sU94ekG-5xtpwG9EARqioJu5hDmUhTyl81rJXdAtbQZlk0OtnteVa_bK0hdYBgawuC8RVY_iq7mk4jyiqg_-s1HnUV-6iJBuMHq8ffmUHvJH9YuvdSL1nBuuwj7hbXcI/s200/Trip1.jpg" border="0" /></a><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><div><img id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5422704896422824674" style="DISPLAY: block; MARGIN: 0px auto 10px; WIDTH: 200px; CURSOR: hand; HEIGHT: 150px; TEXT-ALIGN: center" alt="" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhqSi4QtvPKK9MjsmB6wIpsayEGrQnIq0yaxuX3j06MehVM2CgDpXs6QJCwv0_aEbXA3TEJHy9lukhqxOgynH3m1bci2l7DlxXPv_mNofwbJMLlJAggq1A42JMuRSyrfbbLhEuqdhd5peA/s200/Trip4.jpg" border="0" /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><div>I absolutely love the start of a new year. This year is especially exciting since we are also welcoming a new decade. On the surface it appears that I am starting out 2010 in the same way that 2009 began - still waiting to become a mom and still very much living in limbo. While those things are true, I am beginning 2010 in perhaps the happiest frame of mind since 2006. This fall will mark our fourth year of our journey to parenthood. It's really <span class="blsp-spelling-corrected" id="SPELLING_ERROR_0">incredible</span> to think about. In many ways it feels like yesterday that Brandon and I decided it was time to expand our family. The feelings of excitement and anticipation are still very much still there and continue to be a part of our daily lives. On the other hand, it feels like a lifetime ago that I was doing the daily ovulation tests and living with the <span class="blsp-spelling-corrected" id="SPELLING_ERROR_1">devastation</span> that came each month.<br /><br />2009 was a year of renewed hope as we embarked - at full force - in the adoption process. From the <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_2">homestudy</span> in January, to our dossier being sent down to Colombia in June, this has been an <span class="blsp-spelling-corrected" id="SPELLING_ERROR_3">incredible</span> year. There have still been very hard days when the waiting feels <span class="blsp-spelling-corrected" id="SPELLING_ERROR_4">never ending</span>. I know that those days will continue to pepper my life until we receive that precious referral. Enough cannot be said about the salvation that my fellow waiting moms have been during this past year. We have cried together about the waiting, have spent countless hours analyzing the waiting and have rejoiced with one another as the waiting has finally ended for some. Without these women, I would be lost. It turns out that living in limbo is best spent with others. It makes the "limbo" part livable and the "living" part enjoyable.<br /><br />2010 holds so much excitement. I know that many, if not all, of my fellow waiting moms will add children to their lives this year. Five of my close friends are currently pregnant, and two little ones were delivered in late 2009. Even if I do not become a mom this year, I will certainly get my baby fix! Some other things that I am looking forward to in 2010: a triathlon (providing that I am not in Colombia in July), the completion of our house renovations (phase I, at least) and the 2010 <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_5">FANA</span> events. It's going to be a great year!</div><br /><div>My parents started revived a great tradition in 2009 - the return of the family vacation! I realize now that I never treasured or appreciated them enough when I was younger. In fact, I'm ashamed to say that I skipped the last 2 family vacations my family took together, opting instead to go on my own vacations with friends... I'm so glad they are back. I've posted some pictures at the beginning of this blog entry.<br /></div><div></div></div></div></div></div></div>Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-258047015548525652.post-579430684945384732009-11-15T19:15:00.001-08:002009-11-15T19:37:55.858-08:00And the wait goes on...It's been a little over a month since my last entry and my emotions feel like they are on an extended roller coaster. Mid-August through mid-October was the hardest time period I have faced since starting the adoption process a year ago this month. Like most things in life, the adoption world faces ebs and flows and right now we are in a valley. Last year there were 12 babies from FANA who were joined with their families from Minnesota - so far this year there have been only 6. The waiting families were called in for a meeting a couple of weeks ago where we learned that our wait would likely be longer than expected. Although this was not the best news, since the meeting there has been a referral (a family learned that they were adding a son to their family) and another family became parents through domestic adoption. This type of news shortly before the holidays renews the hopes of all waiting families as we face another holiday season without children. We continue to hope and pray that we will be parents some time next year, but the reality is that it might not happen until 2011. Although I think that it's hard to understand, we have become so close with our fellow waiting families and so invested in their lives, in their desire to become parents that we just hope that they all become parents next year. We've all waited for so long and been on such difficult and unexpected journeys that there is just so much joy each time a family becomes a forever family. So - for now at least - I am riding the high of celebrating with the Ryan family as they will soon be reunited in Colombia with precious baby Andres and the Schemmel family as they fall a little more in love each day with baby Nora. The formation of these families through adoption are what make the waiting bearable.Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-258047015548525652.post-24493754980937111052009-10-09T08:10:00.000-07:002009-10-09T08:15:23.713-07:00TodayToday is a hard day. They creep up <span class="blsp-spelling-corrected" id="SPELLING_ERROR_0">unexpectedly</span> now and take me completely off guard. Today is a closed office door day as I try to get my emotions under control. I am toying with the idea of going home, crawling into my bed and spending the day there.Unknownnoreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-258047015548525652.post-89370421965989707282009-08-29T13:09:00.001-07:002009-08-29T13:29:57.281-07:00CaringBridge Site!It's amazing that in one year, Brandon and I have come so far in our journey to parenthood. I cringe thinking about this time last year when we were only a couple of months into <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_0">Clomid</span>, facing heartbreak after heartbreak each month. Now, a year later, we are so very very grateful to be in a much happier place in our lives and looking forward to becoming parents through adoption. Although last year was a much darker time in my life, I know that it was the journey that ultimately led me to where I am today.<br /><br />When we first began exploring adoption through <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_1">FANA</span>, Marcia - the adoption <span class="blsp-spelling-corrected" id="SPELLING_ERROR_2">coordinator</span>, sent us a packet of information. The cover letter included the names of couples whom had recently returned from Colombia. These couples all had blogs or <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_3">CaringBridge</span> sites that detailed their adoption journey, their trip to Colombia and very precious insights about becoming parents for the first (second and third) time. At that time it seemed impossibly far away to think about creating our very own <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_4">CaringBridge</span> website. There was so much paperwork to complete, so many approvals to get and so many appointments to attend. We took Marcia's early advice however, and tried to rejoice at each small step we made in this journey. Learning to live for each day after living for tomorrow during infertility was a hard lesson to re-learn. Personally, I also had to re-learn how to have hope after so much heartbreak. Perhaps that was the worst thing about infertility to me - not that we were unable to conceive a biological child - but that our hope was robbed for so long. Now, however, I feel like a giddy child pretty much everyday - so thankful that we have the opportunity to become parents to a precious baby. I also feel hopeful everyday - which is an amazing feeling. With each approval and each small step completed, my hope grew a little bit more. So, now that the paperwork portion (well most of it : ) is complete, the appointments have been attended and the approvals received, we have created our very own <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_5">CaringBridge</span> site. Please take a look at it:<br /><a href="http://www.caringbridge.org/visit/babysullivan">http://www.caringbridge.org/visit/babysullivan</a><br />The <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_6">CaringBridge</span> site was created for a much wider audience compared to this blog, which really details some of my most intimate feelings about our journey. I will still continue to update my blog throughout our journey - which is far from complete. It's so exciting to think that one day, another couple just beginning their adoptive journey will follow our blog, entranced as we were, with every word, every picture and every feeling about becoming a parent.Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-258047015548525652.post-80423337320094806572009-08-14T07:25:00.000-07:002009-08-14T07:53:32.962-07:00A Feeling of ConnectionIt's to be expected that we would feel connected to our fellow FANA families. Some of them have been with us since the start - guiding and supporting us through each step of our adoption process. What amazes me is the special connection that we share with the adoption community as a whole. For example, last night I registered at Baby on Grand. It was an amazing experience as I learned how different devices worked and truly was able to imagine our little baby in the stroller we chose, the carseat, eating on the cute little dishes and sitting in the carseat. While I was there, another "non-traditional" family came in. They were from Israel, tried to unsuccessfully adopt from Guatemala, tried surrogacy 5 times in India before successfully finding a surrogate mother here, in Minnesota. They are the proud parents of newborn twins - after 5 long years of waiting. Their eyes welled up as they listened to our adoption story. They know what it's like to wait, anticipate and often ache for parenthood. As we hugged our goodbyes, knowing that we would never see each other again (they are soon returning to Israel with their boys), they looked into my eyes and told me that they wished me the best of luck and that they would be praying for us. It's such an overwhelming and deeply emotional feeling to know the sincerity of families such as the ones I met last night.<br /><br />Have I mentioned how EXCITED we are??!!Unknownnoreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-258047015548525652.post-82986355160024345212009-08-05T20:11:00.000-07:002009-08-05T20:27:04.573-07:00The Summer of GeorgeSo I just watched that Seinfeld and thought it would be a funny title. I love Seinfeld. It is the show that brings Brandon and I together. We typically have very different tastes in TV shows - Brandon could literally watch hours of <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_0">Macum's</span> auto show (yes, that's right a show where they auction off cars) and I prefer <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_1">TruBlood</span>. But on these shows we agree: Arrested Development, Seinfeld and News Radio. That was a random tangent...<br /><br />July and August were very busy and fun months. The week of July 17<span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_2">th</span> we attended our very first large-<span class="blsp-spelling-corrected" id="SPELLING_ERROR_3">scale</span> <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_4">FANA</span> gala. The week consisted of a waiting families dinner (Thursday), a golf tournament, dinner and auction (Friday) a pic-<span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_5">nic</span> (Saturday) and a special <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_6">FANA</span> mass (Sunday). We were able to meet the founder of <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_7">FANA</span>, Mercedes, her husband Arturo and heard their daughter, Elena speak on Friday evening. They are a truly amazing family. We also witnessed our first "in-person" referral at the dinner and auction on Friday evening. A couple received news that they were parents to twin boys - very exciting! Overall, the weekend was exciting and emotional.<br /><br />On August 1st, my brother married his long-time girlfriend, <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_8">Teegan</span>. It was a beautiful outdoor wedding. Both Brandon and I were honored to be members of the wedding party as we witnessed my day chocking up as he performed the wedding ceremony. It feels like just yesterday that John-Ben and I were playing Ninja Turtles together - and now he is a married man. Where does the time go?<br /><br />Things have continued to progress well on the adoption front. We will soon be setting up a <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_10">CaringBridge</span> site that will be more publicized than my blog, which has been more for those of you closest to me. I'll post a link as soon as we have it set up.Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-258047015548525652.post-43690340028050926122009-07-14T07:40:00.000-07:002009-07-14T07:44:45.341-07:00Buddy Couple!We just received word this morning that we have been assigned a buddy couple! Their names are Helene and Paul and we are so very grateful that they requested to be our buddy couple! We feel very honored that they will be our mentors through the rest of our journey to parenthood. The role of the buddy couple is really one of support through the waiting process, to give us the excellent and amazing news that we are parents (!!!!!!) and to provide us with guidance as we travel to, and are in, Colombia. I can think of no better news on a Tuesday!Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-258047015548525652.post-82915280923465840842009-07-11T18:41:00.000-07:002009-07-11T18:48:46.966-07:00Future Nursery<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiKFqWNA_UY9lQSKKq8O_Reg8TaMMYhe8gKu6oNjJN9JmrsHaoeqwKfIAsHehMrYES4ptDrJjsVHHqqo041ljbRI2Xqc6C7ivb9zfjtZ5IeAd8Ri2Vp021iUra4CN3u1LyF2qi-P6L2n-s/s1600-h/Picture+012.jpg"><img id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5357384112803860578" style="DISPLAY: block; MARGIN: 0px auto 10px; WIDTH: 200px; CURSOR: hand; HEIGHT: 150px; TEXT-ALIGN: center" alt="" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiKFqWNA_UY9lQSKKq8O_Reg8TaMMYhe8gKu6oNjJN9JmrsHaoeqwKfIAsHehMrYES4ptDrJjsVHHqqo041ljbRI2Xqc6C7ivb9zfjtZ5IeAd8Ri2Vp021iUra4CN3u1LyF2qi-P6L2n-s/s200/Picture+012.jpg" border="0" /></a><br /><div><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjI296-5i6AmJutLWmyezjTQYOcyNSUl9v5W5plS3heGfFdST-Tx9pjVCa1iEARr9hkwgVFB9hcb-cWuAAUccEWUcYe1nFprokHep9-2St60GB6wVS73TrIv0AeQc7AMC2ugpa6az2vp3Y/s1600-h/Picture+011.jpg"><img id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5357383984242792322" style="FLOAT: left; MARGIN: 0px 10px 10px 0px; WIDTH: 240px; CURSOR: hand; HEIGHT: 320px" alt="" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjI296-5i6AmJutLWmyezjTQYOcyNSUl9v5W5plS3heGfFdST-Tx9pjVCa1iEARr9hkwgVFB9hcb-cWuAAUccEWUcYe1nFprokHep9-2St60GB6wVS73TrIv0AeQc7AMC2ugpa6az2vp3Y/s320/Picture+011.jpg" border="0" /></a><br /><br /><div><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjmsmyb_SaHofoNbt6Qcu2NPHXhSbV-BfRujiQ_cjNsHTLxXLzmPTbP3Ff3jRn3eKqIrQhRVJxDryeWI0Wyb9IUnxdiHzEQ0i28b1HX1HRngnJJKXZvMmjgBnW9hLpwG141Qezqabi7It0/s1600-h/Picture+010.jpg"><img id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5357383874942209090" style="FLOAT: left; MARGIN: 0px 10px 10px 0px; WIDTH: 240px; CURSOR: hand; HEIGHT: 320px" alt="" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjmsmyb_SaHofoNbt6Qcu2NPHXhSbV-BfRujiQ_cjNsHTLxXLzmPTbP3Ff3jRn3eKqIrQhRVJxDryeWI0Wyb9IUnxdiHzEQ0i28b1HX1HRngnJJKXZvMmjgBnW9hLpwG141Qezqabi7It0/s320/Picture+010.jpg" border="0" /></a><br /><br /><br /><div>Brandon bought our house in 1999 as a duplex. Until a couple of months ago, we have always used it as a duplex. We lived in the larger, 2-bedroom downstairs portion of the duplex and rented out the upstairs. It was a nice income stream and we didn't need the space. Now, with our growing family (I love saying that), we are reconverting the house back into a single family home. It's a lot of work but has given us something to do while we are waiting. Here are some pictures of the future nursery! Stayed tuned for pictures of the re-painted and furnished nursery (be patient, it may be a while)! </div><br /><br /><br /><div></div></div></div>Unknownnoreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-258047015548525652.post-52202395372820837572009-06-30T12:46:00.000-07:002009-06-30T13:13:52.409-07:00UpdateSo I have not been all that great at staying on top of my blog. It seems that when summer finally arrives, that my already too-crazy life just gets all that much crazier. This summer my brother John-Ben is getting married and I am fairly heavily involved in <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_0">FANA's</span> annual golf and dinner fundraiser that takes place in July. To top things off, we are in the midst of a huge construction project at our house - reconverting our duplex back into a single family home... So to say the least, things are a little crazy right now!<br />Adoption update - our dossier is in Colombia! <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_1">Yay</span>! It went with another couple - Ben and Deana who were united with their baby boy Carlos a couple of weeks ago. It is very exciting to have the dossier in <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_2">FANA's</span> hands and no longer in our own. A lot of couples have indicated that this is/was the hardest part of the process for them - when all the paperwork is done and the "real" waiting begins. I feel the exact opposite. I am thrilled to not be keeping tabs on the progress of various documents in various states and to no longer be making appointments with doctors (both the medical and the head type), adoption counselors, and the Secretary of State. This new kind of waiting feels more secure to me. I have finally allowed myself to relax and start registering for baby things and envisioning a beautiful nursery. I am very, very excited most days. My waiting moms group is an amazing and consistent support group. I have grown quite close to a couple of the waiting moms and love getting together with them on a weekly basis for dinner and the <span class="blsp-spelling-corrected" id="SPELLING_ERROR_3">occasional</span> glass of wine. We talk excitedly about adoption, recent referrals, what to do while we are waiting, <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_4">ect</span>. We "<span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_5">ooohhhhh"</span> and "<span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_6">ahhhhh"</span> over each other nurseries (or plans for nurseries) and share feelings about everything adoption. They are amazing women who I am so grateful to have in my life.<br />The most frequent question we get about the adoption is "What's the next step?" Well, we now wait for formal approval from <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_7">FANA</span> (although apparently this sometimes happens after the referral, so it's a little confusing), we get a buddy couple (another lifeline while waiting) and wait for that precious referral. We hope to be parents before the end of next year, but nothing is certain. Right now we just take things day-by-day and try to enjoy living in the moment. We are taking a Spanish class to hopefully help us get by while we are in Colombia and are looking at places to stay both in Bogota (the capital and city in which FANA is located) and on the coast. It's so exciting!Unknownnoreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-258047015548525652.post-51505169302025495622009-05-26T17:17:00.001-07:002009-05-26T17:53:15.835-07:00Random Tuesday ThoughtsI stole this idea from my friend Elizabeth's blog and thought it was pretty cute.<br /><br />When my parents first told me that we were moving to Minnesota, I could not believe they would have such horrific taste. My dad was considering churches in Florida and California, yet they chose Minnesota. My first winter here was hard - it was the coldest and snowiest place I'd ever lived...but then summer came along and it was the most beautiful summer I had ever experienced. Every summer I am reminded why I love living here.<br /> <br /> ********************************************************<br /><br />It's graduation season! I am very proud that this year my brother graduated from Minneapolis Community and Technical College and will be going to the University of Minnesota this Fall. This time every year I marvel at how quickly the years have gone by... I used to be the one lifting him up and carrying him around. Now he towers over me and easily picks me up when we hug.<br /><br /> *********************************************************<br /><br />Every once in a while I am reminded of why I work with lawyers all day long and put up with their endless demands, unrealistic deadlines, short fuses and often over-inflated egos (sorry Jen and Tori - but sometimes it's true : ) At the end of the day, they are just people - scared of the power they have over people's lives and are just looking for a little reassurance.<br /><br /> *********************************************************<br />Every weekend should be 3 days... I feel so much more <span class="blsp-spelling-corrected" id="SPELLING_ERROR_0">rejuvenated</span> after 3 days of rest rather than just 2.<br /><br /> *********************************************************<br /><br />I am amazed that my husband can work in the yard all weekend and love it. While he worked, I read 2 books and watched a <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_1">couple</span> of very long movies. Am I a lazy wife? If so, should I feel guilty about it? Why am I feeling guilty of not feeling guilty?<br /><br /> *********************************************************<br /><br />We have a lava rock planter from Reunion Island where I lived with my family as a child and teenager. It's a shallow planter, but no matter what we - and by we I mean Brandon - plant flourishes in it every year. It's weird.<br /><br /> **********************************************************<br /><br />I love country music but will never understand or relate to Gretchen Wilson's song "Redneck Woman." Probably a good thing.<br /><br /> ***********************************************************<br /><br />Twilight (the series AND the movie) is one of the best things that has every happened to me. That's right - I'm not afraid to admit that I am completely and utterly <span class="blsp-spelling-corrected" id="SPELLING_ERROR_2">obsessed</span> with the book series originally created for teenage girls and now a worldwide sensation. I watch the movie once a week and am starting to read the 4-book series for the 3rd time. It's cruel and unusual that the 2<span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_3">nd</span> movie does not come out until November. Needless to say, I will be premiering it and actually might be wearing some sort of <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_4">logoed</span> T-Shirt, despite my usual disdain for any T-Shirt, especially those with logos.<br /><br /> **********************************************************<br /><br />Until last week I had never even been a part of a jury trial. Now I have 2 in one month. It's far from the fun...Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-258047015548525652.post-70830714885739175432009-05-14T06:56:00.000-07:002009-05-14T06:57:29.711-07:00DossierQuick update - we will be handing over our dossier on Saturday, May 30th. It will likely go down to Colombia that next week. Yay!Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-258047015548525652.post-33065656983282677012009-05-12T14:57:00.000-07:002009-05-12T15:00:18.740-07:00Timeline UpdateWe are happy that steps 9 and 10 of our "Adoption Timeline" have been completed:<br /><br />1. Submit adoption application to Crossroads- DONE<br />2. Receive approval from Crossroads - DONE<br />3. Attend education sessions at Crossroads - DONE<br />4. Homestudy evaluation - DONE<br />5. Homestudy completion - DONE<br />6. Forward documents to USCIS for approval - DONE<br />7. Receive receipt notice from USCIS - DONE<br />8. Get fingerprinted for USCIS - DONE<br />9. Receive approval from USCIS - DONE<br />10. Collect dossier for Colombia (birth certificates, marriage certificate, letter from Bank, evaluation from psychologist, evaluation from medical doctors, letters from employers, homestudy, tax return copies, ect.) - DONE<br />11. Forward dossier to Colombia via FANA<br />12. Receive approval from FANA (in Colombia)<br />13. Receive referral (notification that we have a baby!!!!!)<br />14. Seek and receive final approval from USCIS<br />15. Travel to Chicago for Colombian Consulate appointment (Visa)<br />16. Travel to Colombia!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!<br />17. Hold, love and cry when holding our baby for the first time. Become a family of 3!!!!18. Complete adoption process in Colombia<br />19. Come home<br /><br />We are hopeful that our dossier will be able to go down to Colombia either later this month or in early June. I'll post again as soon as it goes down!<br /><br />Anna<br /><br />P.S. 9 more steps to go!Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-258047015548525652.post-44729779674225620722009-05-02T11:24:00.000-07:002009-05-02T11:27:43.466-07:00A Great DayIt's a beautiful day in May and I just ran my first 5K, yes all the way! What could be better than running a 5K in May? Finally receiving approval from the United States Citizenship and Immigration Services to be adoptive parents - Yay!<br /><br />We are so excited that another step in our journey has been accomplished! More updates to follow!!!Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-258047015548525652.post-27317214592239281282009-04-23T07:24:00.000-07:002009-04-23T07:52:57.377-07:00Psychology AppointmentAlmost two months have passed since my last entry. I wish that I could say that we have made a lot of progress, that our dossier is in Colombia and that we are into the "real" waiting part of our journey, but things in the adoption world seem to move at their own pace, quietly and slowly. That's not to say that there has been NO progress, but just not as much progress as I hoped would be made in two months. Here's what has happened: our I800 is with the <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_0">USCIS</span> (United States Citizenship and Immigration Services), we have been fingerprinted twice since February (once for the Department of Homeland Security to verify that we have no criminal records and and the other for <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_1">USCIS</span> to verify our identity), we meet with the <span class="blsp-spelling-corrected" id="SPELLING_ERROR_2">psychologist</span> today to make sure that we are sane enough (or crazy enough) to become parents. Instead of the days of running to the bathroom to pee on a stick, we now come home and run to the mailbox, hoping for approval from <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_3">USCIS</span> so that our dossier (file of documents) can be sent to Colombia. Not that our dossier is ready, but still, it would be nice to have the <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_4">USCIS</span> approval SOON so that the frantic running to the mailbox (for the time being at least) can be stopped. We barely even say hello to each other before checking the mail, and if I go to the gym after work, I make the hasty call to Brandon: "Have you checked the mail?" Our neighbors probably think we are crazy or that we have won the lottery and are waiting for the million dollar check in the mail. Little do they know that we are waiting for something much better than that...<br /><br />Many of you have asked for a timeline of adoption events so that you know what's next... It's a little different for every family, but here's my best estimate:<br /><br />1. Submit adoption application to Crossroads- DONE<br />2. Receive approval from Crossroads - DONE<br />3. Attend education sessions at Crossroads - DONE<br />4. <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_5">Homestudy</span> evaluation - DONE<br />5. <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_6">Homestudy</span> completion - DONE<br />6. Forward documents to <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_7">USCIS</span> for approval - DONE<br />7. Receive receipt notice from <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_8">USCIS</span> - DONE<br />8. Get fingerprinted for <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_9">USCIS</span> - DONE<br />9. Receive approval from <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_10">USCIS</span><br />10. Collect dossier for Colombia (birth certificates, marriage certificate, letter from Bank, evaluation from psychologist, evaluation from medical doctors, letters from employers, <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_11">homestudy</span>, tax return copies, <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_12">ect</span>.)<br />11. Forward dossier to Colombia via <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_13">FANA</span><br />12. Receive approval from <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_14">FANA</span> (in Colombia)<br />13. Receive referral (notification that we have a baby!!!!!)<br />14. Seek and receive final approval from <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_15">USCIS</span><br />15. Travel to Chicago for Colombian Consulate appointment (Visa)<br />16. Travel to Colombia!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!<br />17. Hold, love and cry when holding our baby for the first time. Become a family of 3!!!!<br />18. Complete adoption process in Colombia<br />19. Come home<br /><br />There are other steps once we come home, but I figure those can be explained later. Hopefully this helps a little. It's hard to really put in <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_16">timeframes</span> for each step because there really are none.<br /><br />Overall, we are doing well. I say it each blog entry, but I will again here - there are good days and there are the very tired, I feel like we are never going to have a baby days. It's amazing, though, that God picks me right back up after the hard days - by either a chance encounter with another adoptive family (who has lived across the street from us for years), a very supportive waiting families group at <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_17">FANA</span> who know EXACTLY how we feel, or a note from a veteran adoptive mom to let me know that we will be parents one day... It's these little things that mean so much to me and confirm (even though there has never been a doubt) that this was always meant to be our journey to parenthood.Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-258047015548525652.post-39769826125857804992009-02-24T14:25:00.000-08:002009-03-01T15:19:34.976-08:00Another Step ForwardTo our amazement, our <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_0">homestudy</span> was approved last week and our paperwork in en route to the INS! <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_1">Yay</span>! What this means (I have to remind myself constantly that not <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_2">everyone's</span> daily life revolves around this process) is that our <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_3">homestudy</span>, along with several other very important pieces of paper, have been sent to the United States Citizenship and Immigration Services Department for our <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_4">pre</span>-approval as adoptive parents. This process takes anywhere from 60-90 days, although some other adoptive parents have received their "<span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_5">pre</span>-approval" in less time. During our wait, we will be compiling another stack of paperwork to send to <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_6">FANA</span>. It's exciting that such a big step forward has been taken.<br /><br />Once we receive <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_7">pre</span>-approval from the United States Citizenship and Immigration Services Department, our <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_8">FANA</span> paperwork will be sent to Colombia for approval. At that point all the paperwork and evaluations will be done and the REAL waiting will begin. We are collecting ideas of some things we can do during that time. My friend Tori has been <span class="blsp-spelling-corrected" id="SPELLING_ERROR_9">instrumental</span> in coming up with some fabulous ideas for us. I only mentioned to her in an e-mail that I will need something, anything, to do while we are in the waiting process and Tori sent me about 20 articles and websites, with some really great ideas. Thanks Tori! If any of you have ideas about things we can do while waiting, please let me know!Unknownnoreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-258047015548525652.post-13018446845297763202009-02-16T09:06:00.000-08:002009-02-16T09:15:17.611-08:00Exciting Referral!One of the couples we met through FANA - Rachel and Andy received a referral this week-end! It's very, very exciting since they are the first couple we know to have received a referral. For those of you who don't speak the adoptive language - receiving your referral goes something like this for FANA families: once your paperwork goes to Colombia (which is about 2 steps ahead of where we are at), you are paired with a "buddy couple" which is a couple that has already adopted from Colombia. The buddy couple can answer all your questions about adoption and live with you the experience of waiting for your baby. Once FANA pairs you with a baby, your buddy couple is given the picture of your baby and they present it to you, usually in some fun way. FANA and the buddy couple are pretty much real-life baby-delivering storks!<br />Congrats to Rachel and Andy on the adoption of their beautiful baby girl! We can't wait to meet her!Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-258047015548525652.post-40468578967680166402009-02-06T06:09:00.000-08:002009-02-06T07:01:05.827-08:00The Adoption Journey has Begun!I thought it was high time that I start blogging again. We have been completely wrapped up in getting the adoption process started and, to be honest, I just needed a little time to analyze and deal with my own feelings before I started to share them again. The adoption blogs will be so different than the infertility blogs. I want to be very respectful of the fact that this journey not only belongs to Brandon and me, but also to our child. There are some feelings about this process that I want to share only with Brandon and our child. I have started to keep a journal for him or her, which contains all of my deepest feelings and sentiments about our adoption journey. So, with this in mind, I envision my blog taking on a bit of a new direction - a little more procedural than emotional. <br /><br />Last summer I attended an informational meeting at Crossroads Adoption. We had just begun our first month of Clomid, but had already been trying to conceive for a year. In my heart, I think I always knew that this would not be our time for a biological child. As a woman, I believe I just knew. However, since we had just started Clomid, we decided to put our our adoption journey on hold for a bit. I loved Lyla at Crossroads and knew that was the adoption agency for us, should our journey to parenthood take us there. After 6 months of Clomid, 1 1/2 years into trying to conceive, many tears and hot flashes, we took some time off. In December we attended another informational meeting with Lyla and filled out our adoption application. It was accepted shortly before Christmas, which was one of the best Christmas gifts I could have hoped for.<br /><br />We chose Colombia as the country we hope to adopt from. The process for Colombian adoptions is a little different than with other countries. Not only do we work with Crossroads, but also with FANA (Fundación para la Asistencia de la Niñez Abandonada) which basically translates to the Foundation for the Assistance of Abandoned Children. FANA has a local chapter called Friends of FANA Minnesota. In basic terms, Crossroads takes care of most of our in-country adoption requirements and FANA is our liasion to Colombia. In reality, both Crossroads and FANA are so much more - a support system, a wealth of information, and a source of great comfort when living in limbo. Through Friends of FANA, Minnesota, I have met a wonderful group of other waiting moms, who no doubt will be an amazing support group on our adoption journey.<br /><br />Our wait will be approximately 2 years. There are many days where that feels like an eternity, and some days where it feels more manageable. In the interim, we are hoping to become very involved with FANA and are doing all the reading we can on Colombia. We even purchased a Colombian cooking book. I have enough coconut rice and rice pudding to feed a small army! I truely hope to be fluent in Spanish by the time we travel to Colombia.<br /><br />Right now, we have had our first homestudy visit and expect to have our second homestudy appointment in a few weeks. Tomorrow we have our first big Friends of FANA, Minnesota event - FANA's birthday party! I promise to write more frequently from now on... Maybe one of my blogs will even be in Spanish...Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-258047015548525652.post-11020109594040684982008-12-11T07:20:00.000-08:002008-12-11T07:21:00.087-08:00A New Chapter BeginsIt’s been a while since I last blogged and with good reason. Brandon and I made some big decisions this month and I wanted to make sure that our families and closest friends were privy to the information before we shared it. We’ve decided to proceed with the international adoption. We are so excited, and like many parents-to-be, nervous as well!<br /><br />Every month for the past year and a half, there has been that moment where I’ve realized that I am not pregnant. For a good year, when my cycles were very abnormal, that realization came in the form of negative pregnancy tests, often 2 or 3 each month. Since being on the Clomid, it has come in the form of fairly intense cramping in my stomach and lower back. When we were first trying to have a baby, these realizations weren’t so bad – it was still early, people often had to try for some time to get pregnant, and the hope inside was so strong that I easily got past my disappointment and sadness at those moments of realization. After about 6 months of trying, those moments got harder and since being on Clomid, they have become almost unbearable. As I went through the moment of realization this month that I was once again not pregnant, I came apart. I honestly feared that after so many months of disappointment and sadness that there would come a time that I would not be able to recover from those feelings and that all hope would be lost. So, after many private tears, I shared my feelings with Brandon and we jointly decided to stop our efforts to conceive a biological child and begin the adoption process.<br /><br />I thought that when the time came and our decision to adopt was made, that I would need time to grieve for the aspects of pregnancy and child-bearing that will not be. Instead, I realized that all of those months of dashed hopes and tears shed were the moments that I grieved. Now I’m ready to hope again – to look forward once again to becoming a parent and to actually begin living my life again, without the constant thought in the back of my mind about whether my actions are hindering or helping the pregnancy efforts. I am very ready for the many months of waiting that are ahead and ultimately, for our much anticipated baby!<br /><br />So, as one chapter in our lives ends and another one begins, I’d like to take a moment to thank all of you who read this blog and have supported us in our journey up to this point. A special thanks to our families, who have cried with us, known what to say (and what not to say) at all the right moments, who have encouraged us with their words and loved us through it all. To our many friends, especially the Core 4, who read my blog faithfully and who have supplied me with Ben & Jerry’s with a homemade label entitled “Why the ^$#&* can’t I get pregnant?” and who have devoted an entire evening of drinking and dancing to failed uteruses and cervixes; my dear friend (and co-worker) Jennifer who has been my rock both at work and at home, who has endured the many closed-door days where all I needed to do was cry on someone’s shoulder and to hear that yes, this whole situation was in fact very sucky; to our neighbors, Eric and Elizabeth, who despite being half-way across the world and have a brand new baby, somehow find time to write the most beautiful e-mails and leave well-timed voicemails on my cell on the most difficult days (how do they do that?); to our friends Mike and Jennifer in California, who have done an amazing job of equally crying with us and taking our minds off this entire situation through wonderful vacations to Tahoe and San Francisco and last, but not least, to my friend Sarah in Alabama for offering me an intimate and amazing glimpse into motherhood on my most recent trip to Alabama, which has given me a great deal of strength through these last few months of the Clomid. I know that there are many more of you out there who have e-mailed and called me over this past year-and-a-half with words of support and encouragement. We love you all very much and can’t wait to share the next portion of our journey with you!Unknownnoreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-258047015548525652.post-19803399309843980052008-11-17T18:59:00.000-08:002008-11-24T12:49:52.338-08:00Life in the Slower LaneIt's not until I go home to Alabama that I realize how busy my life in Minnesota really is. Between my commute, long work days, meetings, a billing requirement that is hard to reach, trying to fit in the gym and a weekend packed full of social and family events, I guess my life is pretty busy. Since I'm surrounded by family and friends with the same type of schedule, if not more crazy, it's easy to forget that not everyone leads such a hectic life. And to add icing on my busy life cake, I just took a part-time holiday position in the handbags department at Macy's. I've never worked retail, love Christmas, love handbags and love Macy's most of all, so why not?<br /><br />I expected that when I started seeing an <span class="blsp-spelling-corrected" id="SPELLING_ERROR_0">acupuncturist</span> and a <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_1">maya</span> abdominal massage therapist that my life would change somehow. I knew that they would probably recommend that I slow down, <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_2">destress</span> and relax...easy to say, and not at all easy to do. But I have been pleasantly surprised. Tomorrow I will see my acupuncturist Nicole for the 4<span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_3">th</span> time. I love her. Since she specializes in fertility and women's health, she knows what every stage of the infertility saga holds. She knows that the waiting is the hardest part, she knows the hot flashes that the <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_4">Clomid</span> causes and she knows about the <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_5">Clomid</span> rages. I don't have to tell her about all of these things because she just <em>knows</em>. Last week when I was getting poked with needles (not even close to as bad as I expected it to be), she looked at me and said "I know you're in the hardest part right now - the waiting part." It was pretty much like she read my mind. So although Nicole knows that my life is hectic, my job is stressful and that I have some control issues (Brandon was very surprised to hear that one!), Nicole is the first person to ever have suggested that instead of trying to completely eliminate all the craziness and stress, which is practically impossible, to <em>offset</em> them instead.<br /><br />I doubt that anyone who knows me would consider me a <span class="blsp-spelling-corrected" id="SPELLING_ERROR_6">holistic</span>-type person. I adore chocolate, check Web MD every time I have so much as a cough (and inevitably it diagnoses me with a multitude of life-threatening illnesses), and consider "down time" a few hours on the couch eating cookies and watching mindless TV. However, Nicole has helped me realize the importance of offsetting the stress and chaos in my life with quiet time, healthier eating and reducing my urge to control. So, although I haven't given up on chocolate, and will still relish my mindless TV time, I am making a real effort to eat more organic foods, be more mindful of how I spend my free time, and meditate every day. It's still early in my <span class="blsp-spelling-corrected" id="SPELLING_ERROR_7">holistic</span>-<span class="blsp-spelling-corrected" id="SPELLING_ERROR_8">friendly</span> life, but so far, I really like it. In my world it is similar to finding a great new line of clothing where most of the designs fit me, but not quite all of them. So instead, I mix and match with some of my other favorite designers.<br /><br />P.S. I love Jennifer (my massage therapist) too, but I am not seeing her weekly like I am with Nicole.Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-258047015548525652.post-20126486516122284872008-11-06T07:46:00.000-08:002008-11-06T07:47:21.416-08:00Clomid Day 5, Month 5<span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_0">Clomid</span> is a much too clinical name for a drug with so many physical and emotional side effects. From now on, I would like to propose a new name for <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_1">Clomid</span> that I hope the medical community will embrace just as much as the women who have been subjected to the drug’s many unwelcome side effects. <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_2">Clomid</span> shall now be known as “The Evil Drug.” Not an evil drug, but THE evil drug.<br /><br />Today is my last day of month 5 to take The Evil Drug. Knowing that next month is my last month on The Evil Drug is awesome. I eagerly anticipate the day where I don’t feel like a raging lunatic, or start sobbing at my desk or have to stick my head in the freezer because of a hot flash. I can’t wait to have my body and some emotional control back.<br /><br />The Evil Drug’s emotional side effects have become more manageable over these past 5 months. Angry Anna has her moments, but the key is that there are only moments of <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_3">angriness</span> instead of days of <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_4">angriness</span>. What sucks the most right now is the hot flashes. I am a very cold-natured person when not on <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_5">Clomid</span>. My space heater is on in my office year-round and I always have an extra blanket on the bed. When taking the Evil Drug, however, my body temperature apparently spikes out of control at random moments. One moment I have my heater on, the next minute my suit jacket is off, the heater is off and I have to stick my head in the freezer to cool down. There’s nothing like your boss walking into the workplace kitchen only to find you in a tank top and with your head in the freezer. It’s very professional. Working out and having a hot flash is even better. The worst however, are the night hot flashes. Those wake me up in the middle of the night as I violently throw off all the covers and go to the bathroom to wipe the sweat off of my body. It’s awesome. I feel suddenly more connected and sympathetic to all the menopausal women of the world. Workplace nakedness should be allowed for those going through menopause and those on <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_6">Clomid</span>. Those visors with personal fans on them should be automatically distributed with each dose of <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_7">Clomid</span>. I am really full of practical advice for the medical and pharmaceutical professions.<br /><br />Only one more month of The Evil Drug, only one more month. That’s the little chant I will remember today and tonight when my head is in the freezer and when I am wiping the sweat off my body in the early hours of the morning.Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-258047015548525652.post-4575546360309320842008-10-31T06:33:00.001-07:002008-10-31T06:33:45.584-07:00The Countdown BeginsThere’s something about the thought of little tiny needles being placed all over my body that scares the hell out of me. Frankly, I have to practically be sedated when my blood is drawn (and there are always a lot of tears shed) and I’m never excited to get shots. For the sake of overcoming infertility, however, I am trying acupuncture. It’s come highly recommended from friends of friends of friends who have also struggled with infertility. There are actually studies out there that show that acupuncture increases the likelihood of becoming pregnant when undergoing fertility treatments. The internet really IS amazing. So, as month 4 of Clomid was unsuccessful, and we have only a couple of months left on Clomid, I’m turning to holistic medicine for help.<br /><br />In conjunction with the acupuncture, I’m also trying maya abdominal massage. I fear this slightly less than the little needles all over my body. Apparently, the maya abdominal massage is the massage of the pelvic region, something that also does not sound that fun since the Clomid makes every place around my ovaries tender and swollen. The thought of someone massaging that area makes me squirm in my chair. Filling out the form for the maya abdominal massage was similar to that you would fill out at the doctor’s office – very comprehensive, to say the least.<br /><br />In my mind I had to be in the mental spot I am now before I turned to holistic medicine. I wanted to truly be at peace with the process we are going through, rather than angry and overwhelmingly sad. What’s the point of trying techniques that are meant for cleansing and relaxation if I just went back to being Angry Anna? There were just a few tears shed this month over the unsuccessfulness of month 4, but the acceptance of it all largely overshadowed any sadness. I recently promised a good friend in an e-mail that it’s not that I’m giving up on hoping to get pregnant, but more just feel like my heart is being prepared for the fact that it might not happen, or at least not anytime soon. It’s hard to say whether it’s my attempt to protect myself and my feelings, or whether it’s God’s way of preparing me. Maybe it’s a little of both.<br /><br />As I begin taking my little white Clomid pills this month, I am also trying to emotionally prepare for the little needles all over my body and the massaging of my ovaries. This is one Living in Limbo moment that I don’t mind being stretched out just a little longer.<br /> <br />Happy Halloween!Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-258047015548525652.post-48692654113724940452008-10-14T05:27:00.000-07:002008-10-14T05:35:46.839-07:00Regaining FocusI made an appointment with a reproductive specialist. I’m cancelling it. Momentarily, I deviated away from our three plans. After failing yet again to get pregnant on month 3 of <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_0">Clomid</span>, I thought I needed to see a specialist. Why isn't the <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_1">Clomid</span> working? I’m ovulating, we’re having sex at the “right” time, we’re healthy… how could it <strong>not</strong> be working? It’s so frustrating. So, in a moment of sadness, anger and frustration, I made an appointment with a reproductive specialist. Reality set in, however, when we got our packet of information from the specialist, including the costs associated with even just the initial testing that would be performed on both Brandon and I. From my reading and additional research, we are good candidates for insemination. Insemination is less invasive than <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_2">IVF</span> and less expensive. It up to triples our chance of getting pregnant (versus regular ole’ intercourse). That statistic is enticing to someone in my situation. I <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_3">couldn</span>’t help but feel, however, an underlying nervousness about the impending appointment. Our chance of multiple births using insemination would be very high…and we’re not just talking twins. Insemination is how people get pregnant with quadruplets and sextuplets. No matter how badly I want a baby, thinking about getting pregnant with 3 or more babies scares the crap out of me. It’s dangerous, and financially, the implications are daunting. What I finally realized was the thing I was most nervous about was the fact that insemination is not a guarantee that I will get pregnant. At about $5,000+ per insemination attempt (with 3 suggested attempts), we could potentially spend $15,000 on not getting pregnant. <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_4">Nevermind</span> the fact that I would most likely be on either a higher dose of <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_5">Clomid</span> and/or hormone shots… think Angry Anna on <span class="blsp-spelling-corrected" id="SPELLING_ERROR_6">steroids</span>.<br /><br />All of these factors, once thoroughly thought about and discussed with Brandon, reminded us of why we decided to only do <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_7">Clomid</span> and then go the adoption route. We made that decision rationally, at a time where I <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_8">wasn</span>’t jacked up on hormones, anger, sadness and disappointment. Now that I’<span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_9">ve</span> regained my perspective, I feel at peace once again with our decision. Each month that I don’t become pregnant I grieve a little over the fact that I won’t feel a baby kicking inside of me, I won’t get to hear that heartbeat on the sonogram, won’t get to hold my seconds’ old baby in my arms and won’t be able to look at my child and recognize my physical features in him/her. That said, each month I also deal with those feelings, allow myself to be sad over them and recover from them. It’s a bittersweet feeling knowing that little by little I’m losing hope of having a biological child, but feeling more and more excited about starting the adoption process.<br /><br />I know my husband faithfully reads my blog. Some of my feelings cannot be expressed with spoken words. Instead, I need to write them, taking as much time as I need to cry over the words, re-read and re-phrase the things that just <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_10">aren</span>’t coming out right. You can't do that with the things you say. I learned early in our marriage that I am not one to think before I speak, and most of the times, act. I say what I think right when I think it, which isn't always the best method for communicating. Unfortunately, you can't take words back and erase them, even though they might have not come out right. I am thankful that Brandon understands my need to share my feelings regarding infertility even though they are very private and sometimes are not just my own feelings, but our feelings and our stories. I am also thankful that he helped me regain my perspective this month. I am so glad that at least one of us can be rational and calm when the other is jacked up on <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_11">Clomid</span> and hormones. I can’t imagine going through this without him.Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-258047015548525652.post-65116006221962160502008-09-26T06:15:00.000-07:002008-09-26T06:16:34.368-07:00A Glimpse into MotherhoodRecently, I was at a local Fed-Ex <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_0">Kinkos</span> making copies of some surveys in a real estate file. Although I am frequently at Fed-Ex <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_1">Kinkos</span> to pick-up/drop-off large copy projects for some of my work projects, I do not frequently use the over-sized copier nor do I make many copies myself that are outside of the standard 8 ½ x 11 paper size. Predictably, I was using the gigantic copier incorrectly, causing most of my copy material to be cut-off. As I was struggling to make this outer-space like machine to work for me, another woman was also struggling in the store. She was young with a bright smile and happy demeanor, trying to control her screaming 1 ½ year old in the long line of people waiting to speak with the sole on-duty employee. After I FINALLY got the copier to stop cutting off my copies (turns out I was feeding the paper in the wrong way), I got in line behind the young mother, glad that my struggle was over. At this point, her child was having a full-on tantrum. As I stood there on a Thursday morning, in my suit, copies in hand, making a mental list of the phone calls I needed to return and my afternoon meetings, this glimpse of motherhood scared the hell out of me. Although this woman was put together in her cargo <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_2">capris</span> and flip-flops, smiling while holding her screaming, wiggly child, I wondered how I could want something so badly that terrifies me so much. Although not an exact comparison by any means, I did not feel terrified before I got married. I was ready. I was looking forward to spending the rest of my life with Brandon. After we were married, I did have a mental adjustment period. Most of that “adjustment period” I blame on the fact that I worked solely in the area of family law. Dealing with ugly divorces day in and day out was an emotional strain, especially being a newly-wed.<br /><br />In speaking with friends at the end of their pregnancies, I have been assured over and over again that, yes, by the end of that 9 months, you are pretty much ready for anything that will lead you to NOT be pregnant. I wonder if that includes being prepared for temper tantrums in small, professional settings (a term I use loosely when referring to FedEx <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_3">Kinkos</span>). However, if I compare it to being married, it’s true that I was not prepared for some of the difficult situations Brandon and I would be faced with. Our marriage’s “tantrums” were not all pleasant when we were in the middle of them, but we got through them and came out closer, somehow. I’m sure that I will feel the same way about my tantrum-throwing toddler, but sometimes, it really scares me to think about being that person holding the screaming child (mostly likely not wearing 4 inch <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_4">BCBG</span> heels) smiling at the suited, terrified woman behind me and leaving the store to get in my mini-van.Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0