A New Year, a New Beginning

I absolutely love the start of a new year. This year is especially exciting since we are also welcoming a new decade. On the surface it appears that I am starting out 2010 in the same way that 2009 began - still waiting to become a mom and still very much living in limbo. While those things are true, I am beginning 2010 in perhaps the happiest frame of mind since 2006. This fall will mark our fourth year of our journey to parenthood. It's really incredible to think about. In many ways it feels like yesterday that Brandon and I decided it was time to expand our family. The feelings of excitement and anticipation are still very much still there and continue to be a part of our daily lives. On the other hand, it feels like a lifetime ago that I was doing the daily ovulation tests and living with the devastation that came each month.

2009 was a year of renewed hope as we embarked - at full force - in the adoption process. From the homestudy in January, to our dossier being sent down to Colombia in June, this has been an incredible year. There have still been very hard days when the waiting feels never ending. I know that those days will continue to pepper my life until we receive that precious referral. Enough cannot be said about the salvation that my fellow waiting moms have been during this past year. We have cried together about the waiting, have spent countless hours analyzing the waiting and have rejoiced with one another as the waiting has finally ended for some. Without these women, I would be lost. It turns out that living in limbo is best spent with others. It makes the "limbo" part livable and the "living" part enjoyable.

2010 holds so much excitement. I know that many, if not all, of my fellow waiting moms will add children to their lives this year. Five of my close friends are currently pregnant, and two little ones were delivered in late 2009. Even if I do not become a mom this year, I will certainly get my baby fix! Some other things that I am looking forward to in 2010: a triathlon (providing that I am not in Colombia in July), the completion of our house renovations (phase I, at least) and the 2010 FANA events. It's going to be a great year!

My parents started revived a great tradition in 2009 - the return of the family vacation! I realize now that I never treasured or appreciated them enough when I was younger. In fact, I'm ashamed to say that I skipped the last 2 family vacations my family took together, opting instead to go on my own vacations with friends... I'm so glad they are back. I've posted some pictures at the beginning of this blog entry.

And the wait goes on...

It's been a little over a month since my last entry and my emotions feel like they are on an extended roller coaster. Mid-August through mid-October was the hardest time period I have faced since starting the adoption process a year ago this month. Like most things in life, the adoption world faces ebs and flows and right now we are in a valley. Last year there were 12 babies from FANA who were joined with their families from Minnesota - so far this year there have been only 6. The waiting families were called in for a meeting a couple of weeks ago where we learned that our wait would likely be longer than expected. Although this was not the best news, since the meeting there has been a referral (a family learned that they were adding a son to their family) and another family became parents through domestic adoption. This type of news shortly before the holidays renews the hopes of all waiting families as we face another holiday season without children. We continue to hope and pray that we will be parents some time next year, but the reality is that it might not happen until 2011. Although I think that it's hard to understand, we have become so close with our fellow waiting families and so invested in their lives, in their desire to become parents that we just hope that they all become parents next year. We've all waited for so long and been on such difficult and unexpected journeys that there is just so much joy each time a family becomes a forever family. So - for now at least - I am riding the high of celebrating with the Ryan family as they will soon be reunited in Colombia with precious baby Andres and the Schemmel family as they fall a little more in love each day with baby Nora. The formation of these families through adoption are what make the waiting bearable.

Today

Today is a hard day. They creep up unexpectedly now and take me completely off guard. Today is a closed office door day as I try to get my emotions under control. I am toying with the idea of going home, crawling into my bed and spending the day there.

CaringBridge Site!

It's amazing that in one year, Brandon and I have come so far in our journey to parenthood. I cringe thinking about this time last year when we were only a couple of months into Clomid, facing heartbreak after heartbreak each month. Now, a year later, we are so very very grateful to be in a much happier place in our lives and looking forward to becoming parents through adoption. Although last year was a much darker time in my life, I know that it was the journey that ultimately led me to where I am today.

When we first began exploring adoption through FANA, Marcia - the adoption coordinator, sent us a packet of information. The cover letter included the names of couples whom had recently returned from Colombia. These couples all had blogs or CaringBridge sites that detailed their adoption journey, their trip to Colombia and very precious insights about becoming parents for the first (second and third) time. At that time it seemed impossibly far away to think about creating our very own CaringBridge website. There was so much paperwork to complete, so many approvals to get and so many appointments to attend. We took Marcia's early advice however, and tried to rejoice at each small step we made in this journey. Learning to live for each day after living for tomorrow during infertility was a hard lesson to re-learn. Personally, I also had to re-learn how to have hope after so much heartbreak. Perhaps that was the worst thing about infertility to me - not that we were unable to conceive a biological child - but that our hope was robbed for so long. Now, however, I feel like a giddy child pretty much everyday - so thankful that we have the opportunity to become parents to a precious baby. I also feel hopeful everyday - which is an amazing feeling. With each approval and each small step completed, my hope grew a little bit more. So, now that the paperwork portion (well most of it : ) is complete, the appointments have been attended and the approvals received, we have created our very own CaringBridge site. Please take a look at it:
http://www.caringbridge.org/visit/babysullivan
The CaringBridge site was created for a much wider audience compared to this blog, which really details some of my most intimate feelings about our journey. I will still continue to update my blog throughout our journey - which is far from complete. It's so exciting to think that one day, another couple just beginning their adoptive journey will follow our blog, entranced as we were, with every word, every picture and every feeling about becoming a parent.

A Feeling of Connection

It's to be expected that we would feel connected to our fellow FANA families. Some of them have been with us since the start - guiding and supporting us through each step of our adoption process. What amazes me is the special connection that we share with the adoption community as a whole. For example, last night I registered at Baby on Grand. It was an amazing experience as I learned how different devices worked and truly was able to imagine our little baby in the stroller we chose, the carseat, eating on the cute little dishes and sitting in the carseat. While I was there, another "non-traditional" family came in. They were from Israel, tried to unsuccessfully adopt from Guatemala, tried surrogacy 5 times in India before successfully finding a surrogate mother here, in Minnesota. They are the proud parents of newborn twins - after 5 long years of waiting. Their eyes welled up as they listened to our adoption story. They know what it's like to wait, anticipate and often ache for parenthood. As we hugged our goodbyes, knowing that we would never see each other again (they are soon returning to Israel with their boys), they looked into my eyes and told me that they wished me the best of luck and that they would be praying for us. It's such an overwhelming and deeply emotional feeling to know the sincerity of families such as the ones I met last night.

Have I mentioned how EXCITED we are??!!

The Summer of George

So I just watched that Seinfeld and thought it would be a funny title. I love Seinfeld. It is the show that brings Brandon and I together. We typically have very different tastes in TV shows - Brandon could literally watch hours of Macum's auto show (yes, that's right a show where they auction off cars) and I prefer TruBlood. But on these shows we agree: Arrested Development, Seinfeld and News Radio. That was a random tangent...

July and August were very busy and fun months. The week of July 17th we attended our very first large-scale FANA gala. The week consisted of a waiting families dinner (Thursday), a golf tournament, dinner and auction (Friday) a pic-nic (Saturday) and a special FANA mass (Sunday). We were able to meet the founder of FANA, Mercedes, her husband Arturo and heard their daughter, Elena speak on Friday evening. They are a truly amazing family. We also witnessed our first "in-person" referral at the dinner and auction on Friday evening. A couple received news that they were parents to twin boys - very exciting! Overall, the weekend was exciting and emotional.

On August 1st, my brother married his long-time girlfriend, Teegan. It was a beautiful outdoor wedding. Both Brandon and I were honored to be members of the wedding party as we witnessed my day chocking up as he performed the wedding ceremony. It feels like just yesterday that John-Ben and I were playing Ninja Turtles together - and now he is a married man. Where does the time go?

Things have continued to progress well on the adoption front. We will soon be setting up a CaringBridge site that will be more publicized than my blog, which has been more for those of you closest to me. I'll post a link as soon as we have it set up.

Buddy Couple!

We just received word this morning that we have been assigned a buddy couple! Their names are Helene and Paul and we are so very grateful that they requested to be our buddy couple! We feel very honored that they will be our mentors through the rest of our journey to parenthood. The role of the buddy couple is really one of support through the waiting process, to give us the excellent and amazing news that we are parents (!!!!!!) and to provide us with guidance as we travel to, and are in, Colombia. I can think of no better news on a Tuesday!