There’s something about the thought of little tiny needles being placed all over my body that scares the hell out of me. Frankly, I have to practically be sedated when my blood is drawn (and there are always a lot of tears shed) and I’m never excited to get shots. For the sake of overcoming infertility, however, I am trying acupuncture. It’s come highly recommended from friends of friends of friends who have also struggled with infertility. There are actually studies out there that show that acupuncture increases the likelihood of becoming pregnant when undergoing fertility treatments. The internet really IS amazing. So, as month 4 of Clomid was unsuccessful, and we have only a couple of months left on Clomid, I’m turning to holistic medicine for help.
In conjunction with the acupuncture, I’m also trying maya abdominal massage. I fear this slightly less than the little needles all over my body. Apparently, the maya abdominal massage is the massage of the pelvic region, something that also does not sound that fun since the Clomid makes every place around my ovaries tender and swollen. The thought of someone massaging that area makes me squirm in my chair. Filling out the form for the maya abdominal massage was similar to that you would fill out at the doctor’s office – very comprehensive, to say the least.
In my mind I had to be in the mental spot I am now before I turned to holistic medicine. I wanted to truly be at peace with the process we are going through, rather than angry and overwhelmingly sad. What’s the point of trying techniques that are meant for cleansing and relaxation if I just went back to being Angry Anna? There were just a few tears shed this month over the unsuccessfulness of month 4, but the acceptance of it all largely overshadowed any sadness. I recently promised a good friend in an e-mail that it’s not that I’m giving up on hoping to get pregnant, but more just feel like my heart is being prepared for the fact that it might not happen, or at least not anytime soon. It’s hard to say whether it’s my attempt to protect myself and my feelings, or whether it’s God’s way of preparing me. Maybe it’s a little of both.
As I begin taking my little white Clomid pills this month, I am also trying to emotionally prepare for the little needles all over my body and the massaging of my ovaries. This is one Living in Limbo moment that I don’t mind being stretched out just a little longer.
Happy Halloween!
Friday, October 31, 2008
Tuesday, October 14, 2008
Regaining Focus
I made an appointment with a reproductive specialist. I’m cancelling it. Momentarily, I deviated away from our three plans. After failing yet again to get pregnant on month 3 of Clomid, I thought I needed to see a specialist. Why isn't the Clomid working? I’m ovulating, we’re having sex at the “right” time, we’re healthy… how could it not be working? It’s so frustrating. So, in a moment of sadness, anger and frustration, I made an appointment with a reproductive specialist. Reality set in, however, when we got our packet of information from the specialist, including the costs associated with even just the initial testing that would be performed on both Brandon and I. From my reading and additional research, we are good candidates for insemination. Insemination is less invasive than IVF and less expensive. It up to triples our chance of getting pregnant (versus regular ole’ intercourse). That statistic is enticing to someone in my situation. I couldn’t help but feel, however, an underlying nervousness about the impending appointment. Our chance of multiple births using insemination would be very high…and we’re not just talking twins. Insemination is how people get pregnant with quadruplets and sextuplets. No matter how badly I want a baby, thinking about getting pregnant with 3 or more babies scares the crap out of me. It’s dangerous, and financially, the implications are daunting. What I finally realized was the thing I was most nervous about was the fact that insemination is not a guarantee that I will get pregnant. At about $5,000+ per insemination attempt (with 3 suggested attempts), we could potentially spend $15,000 on not getting pregnant. Nevermind the fact that I would most likely be on either a higher dose of Clomid and/or hormone shots… think Angry Anna on steroids.
All of these factors, once thoroughly thought about and discussed with Brandon, reminded us of why we decided to only do Clomid and then go the adoption route. We made that decision rationally, at a time where I wasn’t jacked up on hormones, anger, sadness and disappointment. Now that I’ve regained my perspective, I feel at peace once again with our decision. Each month that I don’t become pregnant I grieve a little over the fact that I won’t feel a baby kicking inside of me, I won’t get to hear that heartbeat on the sonogram, won’t get to hold my seconds’ old baby in my arms and won’t be able to look at my child and recognize my physical features in him/her. That said, each month I also deal with those feelings, allow myself to be sad over them and recover from them. It’s a bittersweet feeling knowing that little by little I’m losing hope of having a biological child, but feeling more and more excited about starting the adoption process.
I know my husband faithfully reads my blog. Some of my feelings cannot be expressed with spoken words. Instead, I need to write them, taking as much time as I need to cry over the words, re-read and re-phrase the things that just aren’t coming out right. You can't do that with the things you say. I learned early in our marriage that I am not one to think before I speak, and most of the times, act. I say what I think right when I think it, which isn't always the best method for communicating. Unfortunately, you can't take words back and erase them, even though they might have not come out right. I am thankful that Brandon understands my need to share my feelings regarding infertility even though they are very private and sometimes are not just my own feelings, but our feelings and our stories. I am also thankful that he helped me regain my perspective this month. I am so glad that at least one of us can be rational and calm when the other is jacked up on Clomid and hormones. I can’t imagine going through this without him.
All of these factors, once thoroughly thought about and discussed with Brandon, reminded us of why we decided to only do Clomid and then go the adoption route. We made that decision rationally, at a time where I wasn’t jacked up on hormones, anger, sadness and disappointment. Now that I’ve regained my perspective, I feel at peace once again with our decision. Each month that I don’t become pregnant I grieve a little over the fact that I won’t feel a baby kicking inside of me, I won’t get to hear that heartbeat on the sonogram, won’t get to hold my seconds’ old baby in my arms and won’t be able to look at my child and recognize my physical features in him/her. That said, each month I also deal with those feelings, allow myself to be sad over them and recover from them. It’s a bittersweet feeling knowing that little by little I’m losing hope of having a biological child, but feeling more and more excited about starting the adoption process.
I know my husband faithfully reads my blog. Some of my feelings cannot be expressed with spoken words. Instead, I need to write them, taking as much time as I need to cry over the words, re-read and re-phrase the things that just aren’t coming out right. You can't do that with the things you say. I learned early in our marriage that I am not one to think before I speak, and most of the times, act. I say what I think right when I think it, which isn't always the best method for communicating. Unfortunately, you can't take words back and erase them, even though they might have not come out right. I am thankful that Brandon understands my need to share my feelings regarding infertility even though they are very private and sometimes are not just my own feelings, but our feelings and our stories. I am also thankful that he helped me regain my perspective this month. I am so glad that at least one of us can be rational and calm when the other is jacked up on Clomid and hormones. I can’t imagine going through this without him.
Friday, September 26, 2008
A Glimpse into Motherhood
Recently, I was at a local Fed-Ex Kinkos making copies of some surveys in a real estate file. Although I am frequently at Fed-Ex Kinkos to pick-up/drop-off large copy projects for some of my work projects, I do not frequently use the over-sized copier nor do I make many copies myself that are outside of the standard 8 ½ x 11 paper size. Predictably, I was using the gigantic copier incorrectly, causing most of my copy material to be cut-off. As I was struggling to make this outer-space like machine to work for me, another woman was also struggling in the store. She was young with a bright smile and happy demeanor, trying to control her screaming 1 ½ year old in the long line of people waiting to speak with the sole on-duty employee. After I FINALLY got the copier to stop cutting off my copies (turns out I was feeding the paper in the wrong way), I got in line behind the young mother, glad that my struggle was over. At this point, her child was having a full-on tantrum. As I stood there on a Thursday morning, in my suit, copies in hand, making a mental list of the phone calls I needed to return and my afternoon meetings, this glimpse of motherhood scared the hell out of me. Although this woman was put together in her cargo capris and flip-flops, smiling while holding her screaming, wiggly child, I wondered how I could want something so badly that terrifies me so much. Although not an exact comparison by any means, I did not feel terrified before I got married. I was ready. I was looking forward to spending the rest of my life with Brandon. After we were married, I did have a mental adjustment period. Most of that “adjustment period” I blame on the fact that I worked solely in the area of family law. Dealing with ugly divorces day in and day out was an emotional strain, especially being a newly-wed.
In speaking with friends at the end of their pregnancies, I have been assured over and over again that, yes, by the end of that 9 months, you are pretty much ready for anything that will lead you to NOT be pregnant. I wonder if that includes being prepared for temper tantrums in small, professional settings (a term I use loosely when referring to FedEx Kinkos). However, if I compare it to being married, it’s true that I was not prepared for some of the difficult situations Brandon and I would be faced with. Our marriage’s “tantrums” were not all pleasant when we were in the middle of them, but we got through them and came out closer, somehow. I’m sure that I will feel the same way about my tantrum-throwing toddler, but sometimes, it really scares me to think about being that person holding the screaming child (mostly likely not wearing 4 inch BCBG heels) smiling at the suited, terrified woman behind me and leaving the store to get in my mini-van.
In speaking with friends at the end of their pregnancies, I have been assured over and over again that, yes, by the end of that 9 months, you are pretty much ready for anything that will lead you to NOT be pregnant. I wonder if that includes being prepared for temper tantrums in small, professional settings (a term I use loosely when referring to FedEx Kinkos). However, if I compare it to being married, it’s true that I was not prepared for some of the difficult situations Brandon and I would be faced with. Our marriage’s “tantrums” were not all pleasant when we were in the middle of them, but we got through them and came out closer, somehow. I’m sure that I will feel the same way about my tantrum-throwing toddler, but sometimes, it really scares me to think about being that person holding the screaming child (mostly likely not wearing 4 inch BCBG heels) smiling at the suited, terrified woman behind me and leaving the store to get in my mini-van.
Wednesday, September 17, 2008
Ovulation, Glorious Ovulation
Got the smiley face on Friday! Nice to know that other than not getting pregnant, my body seems to be functioning and responding to the Clomid in the way that it’s supposed to. I have been slightly more prone to irritability, and a little bit fatigued, but other than that, this month has gone the best yet. The only slight concern I have is that my first date of ovulation gets later and later each month. I’m trying not to worry about it and have a doctor’s appointment (appropriately entitled “Clomid Check-Up”) this month if I’m not pregnant.
It seems to never fail that right after the smiley face day everything in my world goes into a whirlwind… this month was no exception. Work is insanely busy right now and Brandon and I had friend/family events (all VERY fun) every night this weekend, with several more this week. This after-ovulation period is always the longest in the Living in Limbo world… waiting and hoping not to get a period and then gearing up for the actual pregnancy test, which is always very emotional. I can’t help but be super alert to any possible pregnancy symptom: Am I fatigued? Do my boobs hurt? Am I nauseous? Yep, this part really is the worst part of the month.
Thankfully, this month I have planned a trip to my hometown of Rainsville, Alabama at the end of the month to see one of my closest friends, Sarah. My last trip to Alabama in December of 2007, Sarah was having some pregnancy symptoms but was sure she couldn’t be pregnant since they had only just started trying. The first night I was there, she took a test. Convinced she wasn’t pregnant, we started to make cocktails while her husband, Chase, went to the bathroom and checked on the test results. I will always remember Chase’s nervous voice calling out from the bathroom “Sarah, Anna, what does a plus sign mean?” Thankfully we are all so close that the three-way hugs celebrating the news weren’t at all awkward. Sarah and I have been there for one another during some pretty important days in each other’s lives, but I never anticipated that I would be looking at her positive pregnancy test with her in the bathroom. It was fun being there when they announced their pregnancy to their families and our other friends. Baby Annabelle was finally born at the end of August, after much anticipation. I can’t wait to meet and hold her!
I’m also just really looking forward to taking some time away from the craziness of life. There’s something about going back to a place I’ve always called home that is so rejuvenating. It’s always a welcome adjustment to get there and re-learn all the benefits that come from a much slower-paced life. I’m also happy to have a distraction for my thoughts and emotions which I hope will make the waiting part a little more bearable this month.
It seems to never fail that right after the smiley face day everything in my world goes into a whirlwind… this month was no exception. Work is insanely busy right now and Brandon and I had friend/family events (all VERY fun) every night this weekend, with several more this week. This after-ovulation period is always the longest in the Living in Limbo world… waiting and hoping not to get a period and then gearing up for the actual pregnancy test, which is always very emotional. I can’t help but be super alert to any possible pregnancy symptom: Am I fatigued? Do my boobs hurt? Am I nauseous? Yep, this part really is the worst part of the month.
Thankfully, this month I have planned a trip to my hometown of Rainsville, Alabama at the end of the month to see one of my closest friends, Sarah. My last trip to Alabama in December of 2007, Sarah was having some pregnancy symptoms but was sure she couldn’t be pregnant since they had only just started trying. The first night I was there, she took a test. Convinced she wasn’t pregnant, we started to make cocktails while her husband, Chase, went to the bathroom and checked on the test results. I will always remember Chase’s nervous voice calling out from the bathroom “Sarah, Anna, what does a plus sign mean?” Thankfully we are all so close that the three-way hugs celebrating the news weren’t at all awkward. Sarah and I have been there for one another during some pretty important days in each other’s lives, but I never anticipated that I would be looking at her positive pregnancy test with her in the bathroom. It was fun being there when they announced their pregnancy to their families and our other friends. Baby Annabelle was finally born at the end of August, after much anticipation. I can’t wait to meet and hold her!
I’m also just really looking forward to taking some time away from the craziness of life. There’s something about going back to a place I’ve always called home that is so rejuvenating. It’s always a welcome adjustment to get there and re-learn all the benefits that come from a much slower-paced life. I’m also happy to have a distraction for my thoughts and emotions which I hope will make the waiting part a little more bearable this month.
Friday, September 5, 2008
Day 5 of Clomid, Month 3
I’m really happy that today is my last day of taking Clomid for month 3. Ovulation kits and naked bathroom to kitchen dashes here I come!
Last weekend was Labor Day weekend and I had a great weekend spending time with my husband and some friends. During a 6-mile walk last Sunday (that’s right - 6 MILES) with Brandon and our dog, Sally, we stumbled upon a children’s wading pool (complete with fountains and those water geyser thingies). There were probably 30 children squealing and running around, having an absolutely wonderful time on a hot, summer day. As I sat there and watched all of these beautiful babies and kids run around, I had what Oprah calls an “Aha! Moment.” Although we have had a tough year in some respects, with the whole not-being-able-to-get-pregnant thing, I am so fortunate in every other area of my life: I have the most caring, loving, attractive and giving husband; I have two very supportive and loving families; I have several groups of friends who have listened, hugged, fed and gone out with me each and every time I have needed it; I have a job in which I am challenged and fulfilled, with amazing co-workers and I have a beautiful home of which I am proud of and I enjoy spending time in. It struck me that these are things that other people want just as much as I want a baby. I have been so caught up in the wanting that I barely spend any time being grateful for the many other people and things that make up my happy life. This month, and hopefully every month going forward, I am going to make a conscientious effort to be happy with what I have now and not focus so much on the one thing that I don’t have and want.
To help with this effort, I made a list of the things I am able to do (and love) that I wouldn’t be able to do, or it would be much more difficult to do, pregnant and/or with a baby. They are in no order of particular significance:
1. Listen to music really, really loud in my car;
2. Drive faster than I should;
3. Talk on the phone while driving;
4. Text while driving;
5. Go on a 6 mile walk on a hot day with nothing more than a bottle of water;
6. Shop whenever or wherever I want;
7. Lay on the couch and watch hours of mind-numbing TV;
8. HAPPY HOUR;
9. Eat cookies for dinner;
10. Eat cookies for breakfast;
11. Eat cookies for lunch;
12. Go dancing;
13. Sleep uninterrupted for 12+ hours;
14. Get into work as early as I want;
15. Stay at work as late as I want;
16. Hang out, in total peace and quiet, with my husband and our dog;
17. Travel;
18. Have a neat and clean home, with nothing out of place, 24/7;
19. Clean every other week (at the most);
20. Attend dinner parties with other childless couples to discuss politics, work, the arts and other grown-up conversation topics.
Hopefully if Angry Anna comes out to play anytime soon, I can re-read this blog entry and refocus my negative energies. I’m counting on the power of positive thinking!
Last weekend was Labor Day weekend and I had a great weekend spending time with my husband and some friends. During a 6-mile walk last Sunday (that’s right - 6 MILES) with Brandon and our dog, Sally, we stumbled upon a children’s wading pool (complete with fountains and those water geyser thingies). There were probably 30 children squealing and running around, having an absolutely wonderful time on a hot, summer day. As I sat there and watched all of these beautiful babies and kids run around, I had what Oprah calls an “Aha! Moment.” Although we have had a tough year in some respects, with the whole not-being-able-to-get-pregnant thing, I am so fortunate in every other area of my life: I have the most caring, loving, attractive and giving husband; I have two very supportive and loving families; I have several groups of friends who have listened, hugged, fed and gone out with me each and every time I have needed it; I have a job in which I am challenged and fulfilled, with amazing co-workers and I have a beautiful home of which I am proud of and I enjoy spending time in. It struck me that these are things that other people want just as much as I want a baby. I have been so caught up in the wanting that I barely spend any time being grateful for the many other people and things that make up my happy life. This month, and hopefully every month going forward, I am going to make a conscientious effort to be happy with what I have now and not focus so much on the one thing that I don’t have and want.
To help with this effort, I made a list of the things I am able to do (and love) that I wouldn’t be able to do, or it would be much more difficult to do, pregnant and/or with a baby. They are in no order of particular significance:
1. Listen to music really, really loud in my car;
2. Drive faster than I should;
3. Talk on the phone while driving;
4. Text while driving;
5. Go on a 6 mile walk on a hot day with nothing more than a bottle of water;
6. Shop whenever or wherever I want;
7. Lay on the couch and watch hours of mind-numbing TV;
8. HAPPY HOUR;
9. Eat cookies for dinner;
10. Eat cookies for breakfast;
11. Eat cookies for lunch;
12. Go dancing;
13. Sleep uninterrupted for 12+ hours;
14. Get into work as early as I want;
15. Stay at work as late as I want;
16. Hang out, in total peace and quiet, with my husband and our dog;
17. Travel;
18. Have a neat and clean home, with nothing out of place, 24/7;
19. Clean every other week (at the most);
20. Attend dinner parties with other childless couples to discuss politics, work, the arts and other grown-up conversation topics.
Hopefully if Angry Anna comes out to play anytime soon, I can re-read this blog entry and refocus my negative energies. I’m counting on the power of positive thinking!
Thursday, August 28, 2008
The Hard Stuff
Month 2 of Clomid was not successful. Although I really tried with all my heart not to get my hopes up, I did, and I cannot help but be overwhelmingly sad. Although I am sure some will try to comfort me with the fact that it is only our 2nd month on Clomid, it is actually month 15 of trying to get pregnant. Today, I am feeling the weight of every single disappointment we’ve had in this journey over the past 15 months.
So today, I am allowing myself to be as sad and pitiful as I want to be. My door at work has been closed all day so that I can alternate between working and crying at my leisure. Thankfully, there has been no continuous sobbing, which would then produce the swollen, red eyes and way too many questions from kind-hearted co-workers. But really, on the sad days like today, all I want to do is take an all-day hot bath (or sit in a hot tub) and eat pints of Ben & Jerry’s. In fact, I believe that Ben & Jerry’s could make a lot of money by offering special blends of ice-cream for disappointment, PMS, break-ups, bad work days, bad family days, bad marriage days and bad friend days. These types of ice cream may have to be on the upper shelves at local grocery stores due to the equal parts of alcohol, ice cream and chocolate that they would contain. The concentrations of alcohol, chocolate and ice cream would be determined based on the overall suckiness of the life situation. The “PMS” blend, for example, may contain more chocolate than alcohol or ice cream, whereas the “My Boss Is a Jerk” blend would contain more alcohol. My personal blend of Ben & Jerry’s would be entitled “Why the ^&(&^$%$ can’t I get pregnant?!!!!” and contain 90% alcohol and 10% chocolate/ice cream. Ben & Jerry’s marketing representatives, if you are reading, I have many more blend ideas should you need them.
By tomorrow, I will be gearing myself up for month 3 of Clomid. I start Clomid on day 5 of my period, and continue to take it for 5 consecutive days (5 is apparently a number that holds some magical, unknown fertility powers). Time once again to start peeing on sticks and charting in the wee hours of the morning, making naked bathroom to kitchen dashes and fluffing pillows at night. The hope that month 3 is THE month in which I will be able to get pregnant will also start to come back…eventually.
So today, I am allowing myself to be as sad and pitiful as I want to be. My door at work has been closed all day so that I can alternate between working and crying at my leisure. Thankfully, there has been no continuous sobbing, which would then produce the swollen, red eyes and way too many questions from kind-hearted co-workers. But really, on the sad days like today, all I want to do is take an all-day hot bath (or sit in a hot tub) and eat pints of Ben & Jerry’s. In fact, I believe that Ben & Jerry’s could make a lot of money by offering special blends of ice-cream for disappointment, PMS, break-ups, bad work days, bad family days, bad marriage days and bad friend days. These types of ice cream may have to be on the upper shelves at local grocery stores due to the equal parts of alcohol, ice cream and chocolate that they would contain. The concentrations of alcohol, chocolate and ice cream would be determined based on the overall suckiness of the life situation. The “PMS” blend, for example, may contain more chocolate than alcohol or ice cream, whereas the “My Boss Is a Jerk” blend would contain more alcohol. My personal blend of Ben & Jerry’s would be entitled “Why the ^&(&^$%$ can’t I get pregnant?!!!!” and contain 90% alcohol and 10% chocolate/ice cream. Ben & Jerry’s marketing representatives, if you are reading, I have many more blend ideas should you need them.
By tomorrow, I will be gearing myself up for month 3 of Clomid. I start Clomid on day 5 of my period, and continue to take it for 5 consecutive days (5 is apparently a number that holds some magical, unknown fertility powers). Time once again to start peeing on sticks and charting in the wee hours of the morning, making naked bathroom to kitchen dashes and fluffing pillows at night. The hope that month 3 is THE month in which I will be able to get pregnant will also start to come back…eventually.
Monday, August 25, 2008
The Waiting Room
It’s safe to assume your local OB/GYN office prides themselves on knowing women – in and out. After all, upon arrival, you are presented with a questionnaire that demands not only information about your personal experience with practically every medical situation known to man, but also detailed information about your sex life. Upon completion of the lengthy questionnaire (20 minutes later), you are then weighed, usually in the middle of the hallway, for everyone and their mom to see. As my own personal form of revenge of the hallway-scale- humiliation, I practically get naked before getting on that medically accurate down to the half-pound scale. The nurse is then forced to help me carry all my items of clothing, shoes and jewelry to the doctor’s office. Ha! Take that!
Despite having the most intimate and secretive information about me, my OB/GYN office fails to know the most basic fact about me, and all other childless women ages 18-50: what we want to READ while waiting for the hallway-scale-humiliation and the subsequent unpleasant experiences that come with any visit to the OB/GYN. From the magazines offered in my OB/GYN’s office, women must fall into only 2 categories: mothers (who presumably only want to read about their children) and women going through menopause. For the mothers so focused on their children that they want to read every parenting magazine available, there are several options:
1. Parenting (apparently the most respectable and loved of the parenting magazines since a complete set of issues from 2005-2008 is available);
2. Kiwi (raising children organically);
3. Parents;
4. American Baby;
5. Fit Pregnancy;
6. Parent and Child; and
7. Working Mother.
Those going through menopause have just one option, “Pause” (very, very clever name).
Where are the interesting magazines - People, Us, Vogue, Shape and InStyle? Is the receptionist hogging them all at the front desk, afraid that she too will be forced to read the 7 versions of parenting magazines or “Pause” in a moment of boredom? Next time I am at one of my now bi-monthly OB/GYN visits, I’m bringing my own magazines and leaving them for the next childless woman age 18-50. At least I will have afforded her the opportunity to get caught up on the latest trends and celebrity gossip before she is stripped of her dignity in the hallway-scale-humiliation.
Despite having the most intimate and secretive information about me, my OB/GYN office fails to know the most basic fact about me, and all other childless women ages 18-50: what we want to READ while waiting for the hallway-scale-humiliation and the subsequent unpleasant experiences that come with any visit to the OB/GYN. From the magazines offered in my OB/GYN’s office, women must fall into only 2 categories: mothers (who presumably only want to read about their children) and women going through menopause. For the mothers so focused on their children that they want to read every parenting magazine available, there are several options:
1. Parenting (apparently the most respectable and loved of the parenting magazines since a complete set of issues from 2005-2008 is available);
2. Kiwi (raising children organically);
3. Parents;
4. American Baby;
5. Fit Pregnancy;
6. Parent and Child; and
7. Working Mother.
Those going through menopause have just one option, “Pause” (very, very clever name).
Where are the interesting magazines - People, Us, Vogue, Shape and InStyle? Is the receptionist hogging them all at the front desk, afraid that she too will be forced to read the 7 versions of parenting magazines or “Pause” in a moment of boredom? Next time I am at one of my now bi-monthly OB/GYN visits, I’m bringing my own magazines and leaving them for the next childless woman age 18-50. At least I will have afforded her the opportunity to get caught up on the latest trends and celebrity gossip before she is stripped of her dignity in the hallway-scale-humiliation.
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