A New Chapter Begins

It’s been a while since I last blogged and with good reason. Brandon and I made some big decisions this month and I wanted to make sure that our families and closest friends were privy to the information before we shared it. We’ve decided to proceed with the international adoption. We are so excited, and like many parents-to-be, nervous as well!

Every month for the past year and a half, there has been that moment where I’ve realized that I am not pregnant. For a good year, when my cycles were very abnormal, that realization came in the form of negative pregnancy tests, often 2 or 3 each month. Since being on the Clomid, it has come in the form of fairly intense cramping in my stomach and lower back. When we were first trying to have a baby, these realizations weren’t so bad – it was still early, people often had to try for some time to get pregnant, and the hope inside was so strong that I easily got past my disappointment and sadness at those moments of realization. After about 6 months of trying, those moments got harder and since being on Clomid, they have become almost unbearable. As I went through the moment of realization this month that I was once again not pregnant, I came apart. I honestly feared that after so many months of disappointment and sadness that there would come a time that I would not be able to recover from those feelings and that all hope would be lost. So, after many private tears, I shared my feelings with Brandon and we jointly decided to stop our efforts to conceive a biological child and begin the adoption process.

I thought that when the time came and our decision to adopt was made, that I would need time to grieve for the aspects of pregnancy and child-bearing that will not be. Instead, I realized that all of those months of dashed hopes and tears shed were the moments that I grieved. Now I’m ready to hope again – to look forward once again to becoming a parent and to actually begin living my life again, without the constant thought in the back of my mind about whether my actions are hindering or helping the pregnancy efforts. I am very ready for the many months of waiting that are ahead and ultimately, for our much anticipated baby!

So, as one chapter in our lives ends and another one begins, I’d like to take a moment to thank all of you who read this blog and have supported us in our journey up to this point. A special thanks to our families, who have cried with us, known what to say (and what not to say) at all the right moments, who have encouraged us with their words and loved us through it all. To our many friends, especially the Core 4, who read my blog faithfully and who have supplied me with Ben & Jerry’s with a homemade label entitled “Why the ^$#&* can’t I get pregnant?” and who have devoted an entire evening of drinking and dancing to failed uteruses and cervixes; my dear friend (and co-worker) Jennifer who has been my rock both at work and at home, who has endured the many closed-door days where all I needed to do was cry on someone’s shoulder and to hear that yes, this whole situation was in fact very sucky; to our neighbors, Eric and Elizabeth, who despite being half-way across the world and have a brand new baby, somehow find time to write the most beautiful e-mails and leave well-timed voicemails on my cell on the most difficult days (how do they do that?); to our friends Mike and Jennifer in California, who have done an amazing job of equally crying with us and taking our minds off this entire situation through wonderful vacations to Tahoe and San Francisco and last, but not least, to my friend Sarah in Alabama for offering me an intimate and amazing glimpse into motherhood on my most recent trip to Alabama, which has given me a great deal of strength through these last few months of the Clomid. I know that there are many more of you out there who have e-mailed and called me over this past year-and-a-half with words of support and encouragement. We love you all very much and can’t wait to share the next portion of our journey with you!

Life in the Slower Lane

It's not until I go home to Alabama that I realize how busy my life in Minnesota really is. Between my commute, long work days, meetings, a billing requirement that is hard to reach, trying to fit in the gym and a weekend packed full of social and family events, I guess my life is pretty busy. Since I'm surrounded by family and friends with the same type of schedule, if not more crazy, it's easy to forget that not everyone leads such a hectic life. And to add icing on my busy life cake, I just took a part-time holiday position in the handbags department at Macy's. I've never worked retail, love Christmas, love handbags and love Macy's most of all, so why not?

I expected that when I started seeing an acupuncturist and a maya abdominal massage therapist that my life would change somehow. I knew that they would probably recommend that I slow down, destress and relax...easy to say, and not at all easy to do. But I have been pleasantly surprised. Tomorrow I will see my acupuncturist Nicole for the 4th time. I love her. Since she specializes in fertility and women's health, she knows what every stage of the infertility saga holds. She knows that the waiting is the hardest part, she knows the hot flashes that the Clomid causes and she knows about the Clomid rages. I don't have to tell her about all of these things because she just knows. Last week when I was getting poked with needles (not even close to as bad as I expected it to be), she looked at me and said "I know you're in the hardest part right now - the waiting part." It was pretty much like she read my mind. So although Nicole knows that my life is hectic, my job is stressful and that I have some control issues (Brandon was very surprised to hear that one!), Nicole is the first person to ever have suggested that instead of trying to completely eliminate all the craziness and stress, which is practically impossible, to offset them instead.

I doubt that anyone who knows me would consider me a holistic-type person. I adore chocolate, check Web MD every time I have so much as a cough (and inevitably it diagnoses me with a multitude of life-threatening illnesses), and consider "down time" a few hours on the couch eating cookies and watching mindless TV. However, Nicole has helped me realize the importance of offsetting the stress and chaos in my life with quiet time, healthier eating and reducing my urge to control. So, although I haven't given up on chocolate, and will still relish my mindless TV time, I am making a real effort to eat more organic foods, be more mindful of how I spend my free time, and meditate every day. It's still early in my holistic-friendly life, but so far, I really like it. In my world it is similar to finding a great new line of clothing where most of the designs fit me, but not quite all of them. So instead, I mix and match with some of my other favorite designers.

P.S. I love Jennifer (my massage therapist) too, but I am not seeing her weekly like I am with Nicole.

Clomid Day 5, Month 5

Clomid is a much too clinical name for a drug with so many physical and emotional side effects. From now on, I would like to propose a new name for Clomid that I hope the medical community will embrace just as much as the women who have been subjected to the drug’s many unwelcome side effects. Clomid shall now be known as “The Evil Drug.” Not an evil drug, but THE evil drug.

Today is my last day of month 5 to take The Evil Drug. Knowing that next month is my last month on The Evil Drug is awesome. I eagerly anticipate the day where I don’t feel like a raging lunatic, or start sobbing at my desk or have to stick my head in the freezer because of a hot flash. I can’t wait to have my body and some emotional control back.

The Evil Drug’s emotional side effects have become more manageable over these past 5 months. Angry Anna has her moments, but the key is that there are only moments of angriness instead of days of angriness. What sucks the most right now is the hot flashes. I am a very cold-natured person when not on Clomid. My space heater is on in my office year-round and I always have an extra blanket on the bed. When taking the Evil Drug, however, my body temperature apparently spikes out of control at random moments. One moment I have my heater on, the next minute my suit jacket is off, the heater is off and I have to stick my head in the freezer to cool down. There’s nothing like your boss walking into the workplace kitchen only to find you in a tank top and with your head in the freezer. It’s very professional. Working out and having a hot flash is even better. The worst however, are the night hot flashes. Those wake me up in the middle of the night as I violently throw off all the covers and go to the bathroom to wipe the sweat off of my body. It’s awesome. I feel suddenly more connected and sympathetic to all the menopausal women of the world. Workplace nakedness should be allowed for those going through menopause and those on Clomid. Those visors with personal fans on them should be automatically distributed with each dose of Clomid. I am really full of practical advice for the medical and pharmaceutical professions.

Only one more month of The Evil Drug, only one more month. That’s the little chant I will remember today and tonight when my head is in the freezer and when I am wiping the sweat off my body in the early hours of the morning.

The Countdown Begins

There’s something about the thought of little tiny needles being placed all over my body that scares the hell out of me. Frankly, I have to practically be sedated when my blood is drawn (and there are always a lot of tears shed) and I’m never excited to get shots. For the sake of overcoming infertility, however, I am trying acupuncture. It’s come highly recommended from friends of friends of friends who have also struggled with infertility. There are actually studies out there that show that acupuncture increases the likelihood of becoming pregnant when undergoing fertility treatments. The internet really IS amazing. So, as month 4 of Clomid was unsuccessful, and we have only a couple of months left on Clomid, I’m turning to holistic medicine for help.

In conjunction with the acupuncture, I’m also trying maya abdominal massage. I fear this slightly less than the little needles all over my body. Apparently, the maya abdominal massage is the massage of the pelvic region, something that also does not sound that fun since the Clomid makes every place around my ovaries tender and swollen. The thought of someone massaging that area makes me squirm in my chair. Filling out the form for the maya abdominal massage was similar to that you would fill out at the doctor’s office – very comprehensive, to say the least.

In my mind I had to be in the mental spot I am now before I turned to holistic medicine. I wanted to truly be at peace with the process we are going through, rather than angry and overwhelmingly sad. What’s the point of trying techniques that are meant for cleansing and relaxation if I just went back to being Angry Anna? There were just a few tears shed this month over the unsuccessfulness of month 4, but the acceptance of it all largely overshadowed any sadness. I recently promised a good friend in an e-mail that it’s not that I’m giving up on hoping to get pregnant, but more just feel like my heart is being prepared for the fact that it might not happen, or at least not anytime soon. It’s hard to say whether it’s my attempt to protect myself and my feelings, or whether it’s God’s way of preparing me. Maybe it’s a little of both.

As I begin taking my little white Clomid pills this month, I am also trying to emotionally prepare for the little needles all over my body and the massaging of my ovaries. This is one Living in Limbo moment that I don’t mind being stretched out just a little longer.

Happy Halloween!

Regaining Focus

I made an appointment with a reproductive specialist. I’m cancelling it. Momentarily, I deviated away from our three plans. After failing yet again to get pregnant on month 3 of Clomid, I thought I needed to see a specialist. Why isn't the Clomid working? I’m ovulating, we’re having sex at the “right” time, we’re healthy… how could it not be working? It’s so frustrating. So, in a moment of sadness, anger and frustration, I made an appointment with a reproductive specialist. Reality set in, however, when we got our packet of information from the specialist, including the costs associated with even just the initial testing that would be performed on both Brandon and I. From my reading and additional research, we are good candidates for insemination. Insemination is less invasive than IVF and less expensive. It up to triples our chance of getting pregnant (versus regular ole’ intercourse). That statistic is enticing to someone in my situation. I couldn’t help but feel, however, an underlying nervousness about the impending appointment. Our chance of multiple births using insemination would be very high…and we’re not just talking twins. Insemination is how people get pregnant with quadruplets and sextuplets. No matter how badly I want a baby, thinking about getting pregnant with 3 or more babies scares the crap out of me. It’s dangerous, and financially, the implications are daunting. What I finally realized was the thing I was most nervous about was the fact that insemination is not a guarantee that I will get pregnant. At about $5,000+ per insemination attempt (with 3 suggested attempts), we could potentially spend $15,000 on not getting pregnant. Nevermind the fact that I would most likely be on either a higher dose of Clomid and/or hormone shots… think Angry Anna on steroids.

All of these factors, once thoroughly thought about and discussed with Brandon, reminded us of why we decided to only do Clomid and then go the adoption route. We made that decision rationally, at a time where I wasn’t jacked up on hormones, anger, sadness and disappointment. Now that I’ve regained my perspective, I feel at peace once again with our decision. Each month that I don’t become pregnant I grieve a little over the fact that I won’t feel a baby kicking inside of me, I won’t get to hear that heartbeat on the sonogram, won’t get to hold my seconds’ old baby in my arms and won’t be able to look at my child and recognize my physical features in him/her. That said, each month I also deal with those feelings, allow myself to be sad over them and recover from them. It’s a bittersweet feeling knowing that little by little I’m losing hope of having a biological child, but feeling more and more excited about starting the adoption process.

I know my husband faithfully reads my blog. Some of my feelings cannot be expressed with spoken words. Instead, I need to write them, taking as much time as I need to cry over the words, re-read and re-phrase the things that just aren’t coming out right. You can't do that with the things you say. I learned early in our marriage that I am not one to think before I speak, and most of the times, act. I say what I think right when I think it, which isn't always the best method for communicating. Unfortunately, you can't take words back and erase them, even though they might have not come out right. I am thankful that Brandon understands my need to share my feelings regarding infertility even though they are very private and sometimes are not just my own feelings, but our feelings and our stories. I am also thankful that he helped me regain my perspective this month. I am so glad that at least one of us can be rational and calm when the other is jacked up on Clomid and hormones. I can’t imagine going through this without him.

A Glimpse into Motherhood

Recently, I was at a local Fed-Ex Kinkos making copies of some surveys in a real estate file. Although I am frequently at Fed-Ex Kinkos to pick-up/drop-off large copy projects for some of my work projects, I do not frequently use the over-sized copier nor do I make many copies myself that are outside of the standard 8 ½ x 11 paper size. Predictably, I was using the gigantic copier incorrectly, causing most of my copy material to be cut-off. As I was struggling to make this outer-space like machine to work for me, another woman was also struggling in the store. She was young with a bright smile and happy demeanor, trying to control her screaming 1 ½ year old in the long line of people waiting to speak with the sole on-duty employee. After I FINALLY got the copier to stop cutting off my copies (turns out I was feeding the paper in the wrong way), I got in line behind the young mother, glad that my struggle was over. At this point, her child was having a full-on tantrum. As I stood there on a Thursday morning, in my suit, copies in hand, making a mental list of the phone calls I needed to return and my afternoon meetings, this glimpse of motherhood scared the hell out of me. Although this woman was put together in her cargo capris and flip-flops, smiling while holding her screaming, wiggly child, I wondered how I could want something so badly that terrifies me so much. Although not an exact comparison by any means, I did not feel terrified before I got married. I was ready. I was looking forward to spending the rest of my life with Brandon. After we were married, I did have a mental adjustment period. Most of that “adjustment period” I blame on the fact that I worked solely in the area of family law. Dealing with ugly divorces day in and day out was an emotional strain, especially being a newly-wed.

In speaking with friends at the end of their pregnancies, I have been assured over and over again that, yes, by the end of that 9 months, you are pretty much ready for anything that will lead you to NOT be pregnant. I wonder if that includes being prepared for temper tantrums in small, professional settings (a term I use loosely when referring to FedEx Kinkos). However, if I compare it to being married, it’s true that I was not prepared for some of the difficult situations Brandon and I would be faced with. Our marriage’s “tantrums” were not all pleasant when we were in the middle of them, but we got through them and came out closer, somehow. I’m sure that I will feel the same way about my tantrum-throwing toddler, but sometimes, it really scares me to think about being that person holding the screaming child (mostly likely not wearing 4 inch BCBG heels) smiling at the suited, terrified woman behind me and leaving the store to get in my mini-van.

Ovulation, Glorious Ovulation

Got the smiley face on Friday! Nice to know that other than not getting pregnant, my body seems to be functioning and responding to the Clomid in the way that it’s supposed to. I have been slightly more prone to irritability, and a little bit fatigued, but other than that, this month has gone the best yet. The only slight concern I have is that my first date of ovulation gets later and later each month. I’m trying not to worry about it and have a doctor’s appointment (appropriately entitled “Clomid Check-Up”) this month if I’m not pregnant.

It seems to never fail that right after the smiley face day everything in my world goes into a whirlwind… this month was no exception. Work is insanely busy right now and Brandon and I had friend/family events (all VERY fun) every night this weekend, with several more this week. This after-ovulation period is always the longest in the Living in Limbo world… waiting and hoping not to get a period and then gearing up for the actual pregnancy test, which is always very emotional. I can’t help but be super alert to any possible pregnancy symptom: Am I fatigued? Do my boobs hurt? Am I nauseous? Yep, this part really is the worst part of the month.

Thankfully, this month I have planned a trip to my hometown of Rainsville, Alabama at the end of the month to see one of my closest friends, Sarah. My last trip to Alabama in December of 2007, Sarah was having some pregnancy symptoms but was sure she couldn’t be pregnant since they had only just started trying. The first night I was there, she took a test. Convinced she wasn’t pregnant, we started to make cocktails while her husband, Chase, went to the bathroom and checked on the test results. I will always remember Chase’s nervous voice calling out from the bathroom “Sarah, Anna, what does a plus sign mean?” Thankfully we are all so close that the three-way hugs celebrating the news weren’t at all awkward. Sarah and I have been there for one another during some pretty important days in each other’s lives, but I never anticipated that I would be looking at her positive pregnancy test with her in the bathroom. It was fun being there when they announced their pregnancy to their families and our other friends. Baby Annabelle was finally born at the end of August, after much anticipation. I can’t wait to meet and hold her!

I’m also just really looking forward to taking some time away from the craziness of life. There’s something about going back to a place I’ve always called home that is so rejuvenating. It’s always a welcome adjustment to get there and re-learn all the benefits that come from a much slower-paced life. I’m also happy to have a distraction for my thoughts and emotions which I hope will make the waiting part a little more bearable this month.