Friday, October 31, 2008

The Countdown Begins

There’s something about the thought of little tiny needles being placed all over my body that scares the hell out of me. Frankly, I have to practically be sedated when my blood is drawn (and there are always a lot of tears shed) and I’m never excited to get shots. For the sake of overcoming infertility, however, I am trying acupuncture. It’s come highly recommended from friends of friends of friends who have also struggled with infertility. There are actually studies out there that show that acupuncture increases the likelihood of becoming pregnant when undergoing fertility treatments. The internet really IS amazing. So, as month 4 of Clomid was unsuccessful, and we have only a couple of months left on Clomid, I’m turning to holistic medicine for help.

In conjunction with the acupuncture, I’m also trying maya abdominal massage. I fear this slightly less than the little needles all over my body. Apparently, the maya abdominal massage is the massage of the pelvic region, something that also does not sound that fun since the Clomid makes every place around my ovaries tender and swollen. The thought of someone massaging that area makes me squirm in my chair. Filling out the form for the maya abdominal massage was similar to that you would fill out at the doctor’s office – very comprehensive, to say the least.

In my mind I had to be in the mental spot I am now before I turned to holistic medicine. I wanted to truly be at peace with the process we are going through, rather than angry and overwhelmingly sad. What’s the point of trying techniques that are meant for cleansing and relaxation if I just went back to being Angry Anna? There were just a few tears shed this month over the unsuccessfulness of month 4, but the acceptance of it all largely overshadowed any sadness. I recently promised a good friend in an e-mail that it’s not that I’m giving up on hoping to get pregnant, but more just feel like my heart is being prepared for the fact that it might not happen, or at least not anytime soon. It’s hard to say whether it’s my attempt to protect myself and my feelings, or whether it’s God’s way of preparing me. Maybe it’s a little of both.

As I begin taking my little white Clomid pills this month, I am also trying to emotionally prepare for the little needles all over my body and the massaging of my ovaries. This is one Living in Limbo moment that I don’t mind being stretched out just a little longer.

Happy Halloween!

Tuesday, October 14, 2008

Regaining Focus

I made an appointment with a reproductive specialist. I’m cancelling it. Momentarily, I deviated away from our three plans. After failing yet again to get pregnant on month 3 of Clomid, I thought I needed to see a specialist. Why isn't the Clomid working? I’m ovulating, we’re having sex at the “right” time, we’re healthy… how could it not be working? It’s so frustrating. So, in a moment of sadness, anger and frustration, I made an appointment with a reproductive specialist. Reality set in, however, when we got our packet of information from the specialist, including the costs associated with even just the initial testing that would be performed on both Brandon and I. From my reading and additional research, we are good candidates for insemination. Insemination is less invasive than IVF and less expensive. It up to triples our chance of getting pregnant (versus regular ole’ intercourse). That statistic is enticing to someone in my situation. I couldn’t help but feel, however, an underlying nervousness about the impending appointment. Our chance of multiple births using insemination would be very high…and we’re not just talking twins. Insemination is how people get pregnant with quadruplets and sextuplets. No matter how badly I want a baby, thinking about getting pregnant with 3 or more babies scares the crap out of me. It’s dangerous, and financially, the implications are daunting. What I finally realized was the thing I was most nervous about was the fact that insemination is not a guarantee that I will get pregnant. At about $5,000+ per insemination attempt (with 3 suggested attempts), we could potentially spend $15,000 on not getting pregnant. Nevermind the fact that I would most likely be on either a higher dose of Clomid and/or hormone shots… think Angry Anna on steroids.

All of these factors, once thoroughly thought about and discussed with Brandon, reminded us of why we decided to only do Clomid and then go the adoption route. We made that decision rationally, at a time where I wasn’t jacked up on hormones, anger, sadness and disappointment. Now that I’ve regained my perspective, I feel at peace once again with our decision. Each month that I don’t become pregnant I grieve a little over the fact that I won’t feel a baby kicking inside of me, I won’t get to hear that heartbeat on the sonogram, won’t get to hold my seconds’ old baby in my arms and won’t be able to look at my child and recognize my physical features in him/her. That said, each month I also deal with those feelings, allow myself to be sad over them and recover from them. It’s a bittersweet feeling knowing that little by little I’m losing hope of having a biological child, but feeling more and more excited about starting the adoption process.

I know my husband faithfully reads my blog. Some of my feelings cannot be expressed with spoken words. Instead, I need to write them, taking as much time as I need to cry over the words, re-read and re-phrase the things that just aren’t coming out right. You can't do that with the things you say. I learned early in our marriage that I am not one to think before I speak, and most of the times, act. I say what I think right when I think it, which isn't always the best method for communicating. Unfortunately, you can't take words back and erase them, even though they might have not come out right. I am thankful that Brandon understands my need to share my feelings regarding infertility even though they are very private and sometimes are not just my own feelings, but our feelings and our stories. I am also thankful that he helped me regain my perspective this month. I am so glad that at least one of us can be rational and calm when the other is jacked up on Clomid and hormones. I can’t imagine going through this without him.