Month 2 of Clomid was not successful. Although I really tried with all my heart not to get my hopes up, I did, and I cannot help but be overwhelmingly sad. Although I am sure some will try to comfort me with the fact that it is only our 2nd month on Clomid, it is actually month 15 of trying to get pregnant. Today, I am feeling the weight of every single disappointment we’ve had in this journey over the past 15 months.
So today, I am allowing myself to be as sad and pitiful as I want to be. My door at work has been closed all day so that I can alternate between working and crying at my leisure. Thankfully, there has been no continuous sobbing, which would then produce the swollen, red eyes and way too many questions from kind-hearted co-workers. But really, on the sad days like today, all I want to do is take an all-day hot bath (or sit in a hot tub) and eat pints of Ben & Jerry’s. In fact, I believe that Ben & Jerry’s could make a lot of money by offering special blends of ice-cream for disappointment, PMS, break-ups, bad work days, bad family days, bad marriage days and bad friend days. These types of ice cream may have to be on the upper shelves at local grocery stores due to the equal parts of alcohol, ice cream and chocolate that they would contain. The concentrations of alcohol, chocolate and ice cream would be determined based on the overall suckiness of the life situation. The “PMS” blend, for example, may contain more chocolate than alcohol or ice cream, whereas the “My Boss Is a Jerk” blend would contain more alcohol. My personal blend of Ben & Jerry’s would be entitled “Why the ^&(&^$%$ can’t I get pregnant?!!!!” and contain 90% alcohol and 10% chocolate/ice cream. Ben & Jerry’s marketing representatives, if you are reading, I have many more blend ideas should you need them.
By tomorrow, I will be gearing myself up for month 3 of Clomid. I start Clomid on day 5 of my period, and continue to take it for 5 consecutive days (5 is apparently a number that holds some magical, unknown fertility powers). Time once again to start peeing on sticks and charting in the wee hours of the morning, making naked bathroom to kitchen dashes and fluffing pillows at night. The hope that month 3 is THE month in which I will be able to get pregnant will also start to come back…eventually.